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CATTLE TODAY

IT'S THE PITTS -- IT'S NO COMING-OUT PARTY

by: Lee Pitts

My dear female friends, I hate to be the bearer of bad news but in the game of life did you know that you drew the short straw; lost the coin toss; got the short end of the stick? You got cheated, hoodwinked and bamboozled! What am I talking about? It will become apparent to you when you become one... a parent that is.

I used to think that God evened things out for the sexes. Men had to go to war but women had babies. That's not exactly a fair trade but it's better than the deal radical feminists made. Now in addition to having babies... women get to go to war too!

It used to be more fair. Women did not work outside the home and in return they got to stay home and do fun things all day like scrubbing floors, changing diapers, ironing clothes, sweating over a hot stove, cleaning toilets and other janitorial services. But no, that wasn't good enough for women. You wanted to give all that up and leave behind baskets of dirty clothes, sinks of dirty dishes, stacks of overdue bills and dust balls the size of buffalo to go to work just like men. So now, in addition to a full time job you still get to do ALL of the aforementioned tasks in your spare time.

There used to be important tradeoffs for men and women. In return for bearing babies women got to do things that men couldn't do; like cry, wear earrings, shave their legs, have a sensitive side and get on the rescue boat first. But now men are doing all these things too and yet I have not heard of a single male birthing a baby.

Women may think the tables are turning in their favor because they get to wear tattoos and pants, grow hair under their arms and swill beer, but you still don't see many men suffering through nine months of pregnancy, do you? Women may think they have evened the score by making their men take Lamaze lessons and watch the birthing process in person so they'll have a greater appreciation for what they go through. But most men show intelligent restraint and spend the terrible pain of childbirth in the waiting room (like God intended), passing out cigars, and accepting congratulations for their contribution to the child who they claim looks just like them.

And probably does until they turn the new baby over and right side up.

Not remembering anything about my own glorious birth, I spent my early years not realizing that babies were man-made. I was a babe in the woods when it came to babies. Having no exposure to the birth process I didn't give it any thought. We got our dog fixed, our cat was a Tom and the baby rabbits just magically multiplied. I hate to admit this but I don't think I saw anything being born until I was a freshman in high school and even now just the horrible thought of watching those three mucous covered lambs being painfully squeezed through a hole the size of a baseball is enough to make me nauseous. I experienced unbearable sympathy pains, went into shock and those in attendance ignored the ewe while they applied cold compresses to my fevered brow.

I find it odd that the gestation period for a calf and a human are the same. The price of being pretty for a girl or a cow is nine months of bloat followed by agonizing childbirth. My emotional well-being will forever be disturbed because I witnessed my first heifer give birth. First we tried to pull the calf out with chains, then a pulley contraption and then the vet cut a slice in my heifer's side and dumped out a gross looking furball amidst a flood of fowl smelling fluid. If this was childbirth I wanted no part of it. This is why I'd rather be me: a male, and is also one of the reasons why I've never seriously considered a sex change operation.

I swear, if a stork ever comes flying around our place, I don't care if it is an endangered species, I'll blast that sucker to kingdom come. And for all the people who have asked in the past why my wife and I have been married for 33 years but still don't have any children I hope this helps explains why: I just couldn't bear to watch!

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