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CATTLE TODAY

IT'S THE PITTS -- RANCH DRESSING

by: Lee Pitts

According to trendsetters, I'm back in fashion. Or at least my jeans are. I have been fashionable now twice in my life. The first time was during the hippy era when everyone looked like they'd just survived a nuclear blast in their tattered clothing. And it appears that I'm “IN” once again as leading fashionistas have declared that jeans are now sensible and stylish for work, play and dressy occasions. Whatever those are.

Because I am a blue jeans expert and a man of exquisite taste I've agreed to answer your clothes questions so that you too can be cool and fashionable like me.

Dear Clotheshorse, What do you think of the low-riding, baggy jeans that are so popular with today's teens?

Not much. Today's youth lower their cars and their jeans to dangerous levels. The exposed-underwear-look is not one I'd recommend for obese males or anyone who blushes easily. The knee length jeans that teenagers are wearing are reminiscent of the “pedal pushers” worn by women that were last popular in 1944.

Dear Clotheshorse, Italian designer jeans are popular but I have an unusual body type. Instead of an hourglass I'm shaped more like a pear. The Italian jeans I looked at were tight fitting and were selling for an absurd figure. Should I splurge on a pair?

Please don't. Skintight Italian jeans shouldn't be worn by anyone with an absurd figure. Just spill some spaghetti on your Wranglers and tell everyone they're Italian.

Dear Clotheshorse, I notice that many people are wearing Ugg® boots with their jeans. Would this be a stylish look for a seventy-five-year-old cattle feeder?

Are you kidding me? The boots were so named when a South Dakota rancher got a pair of the boots for Christmas, took one look in the mirror and exclaimed “UGG!”

Dear Clotheshorse, is it acceptable to wear jeans with a tuxedo jacket?

I'm glad you asked. Recently some friends of mine went back to Oklahoma City to honor our mutual friend, Ellington. I wasn't there but I've seen photographic evidence that many of them committed a fashion faux paus and did indeed wear jeans with their tuxedo jackets. (No doubt because it was more expensive to also rent the pants.) After seeing the photos I'd just like to say that if you attempt this look you should at least wear a NEW pair of jeans and not the same ones you used to castrate bulls.

Dear Clotheshorse, As a trendsetter what cutting edge clothes do you wear?

I prefer a sweater around my neck for a pouty look and “relaxed fit' jeans for a style I call “soggy bottom.” I prefer jeans with smaller back pockets because large ones tend to make my caboose seem disproportionately large. I also wear my pants longer... about twelve years longer, to be exact. I don't wear “cutting edge” newer jeans where the waistband cuts into my midsection thereby creating a “cutting edge.”

Dear Clotheshorse, How many pair of jeans should be in my wardrobe?

Two pair is plenty. Retrieve your pile of jeans (I'm assuming anyone who reads this column doesn't hang their jeans on hangers) and sort them by color. Your bluest and newest should be worn to church, your wedding, funeral and other solemn events. Wash them once a year so they don't fade and fall into the second category which is threadbare faded jeans that you wear for casual occasions and for work. When your ripped, holy and nearly gray jeans (the kind that that were once popular with country singers) develop holes in embarrassing places they fall into a category I call “pinkeye patches.” If you are a charitable person you can attempt to give these jeans to the Goodwill but, based on personal experience, I seriously doubt that they'll take them.

Dear readers, Be watching for my next installment of Dear Clotheshorse when we discuss formal wear and answer the age-old question... “For dressy occasions should you tuck your tee shirt in or not?”

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