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IT'S THE PITTS -- GET NAKED, BE SOMEBODY

by: Lee Pitts

"Naked people have little influence on society.”

Mark Twain

We can only hope that Mark Twain was right. Yes, another Hollyweird movie star has taken off her clothes for PETA. This time the naked veggie testimonial was given by Alicia Silverstone who can be seen on some cable channels climbing out of a swimming pool wearing nothing but her tight fitting skin. The only words uttered by the out-of-work actress were, “I'm Alicia Silverstone and I'm a vegetarian.” Her brevity was probably because Alicia allegedly is only slightly smarter than celery and she may have had trouble memorizing more than seven words.

As a dedicated researcher, and for my reader's sake, I went on the Internet and viewed the naked ad in question. Sorry to say, Silverstone is not much to Google at because her arms and elbows always seem to be in the way, if you know what I mean. The pale Silverstone looks like she hasn't been out of doors since her one and only hit back in 1996. Surely Hollywood can do better than this commercial. I mean, where's the drama in merely getting out of a pool? Put some sharks in the pool or have Silverstone sliding down a stair bannister in the buff and then the ad might arouse some interest. As it is I give the advertisement one stare out of a possible five stars.

The former recipient of PETA's Most Sexy Vegetarian award isn't even wearing a smile in the ad. Not that Alicia has had a lot to smile about lately. Her show Miss Match was taken off the air before it aired, she allegedly hit a pedestrian who was in a crosswalk, Columbia TriStar canceled a three movie deal after seeing only the first installment and her only acting award was the Razzie Award for Worst Performing Actress in Batman and Robin. Silverstone insists that she has been out of the public's eye because she hates fame and public exposure and then she went and took off her clothes for PETA to get some fame and widespread exposure! After all the publicity for this stunt I'm sure she'll get another acting job soon... in a porn movie.

PETA says it runs these type of ads because “it's hard to get serious news to the media,” as if they think that vigilante vegetarianism is more serious than a war or impending recession. The ad was a success though because lots of curious folks went to the web site where, in addition to seeing Silverstone, they got to read intellectual tidbits from her after she had met “an amazing cow at a sanctuary.” No wonder she never finished high school! In addition you got to see some of Alicia's favorite foods such as hazel nut encrusted seitan, whatever that is. In the picture it resembles a cow pie after it has sat in the sun for three months. Probably tastes like it too

Silverstone joins a long list of celebrities who have taken off their clothes for PETA including such mental giants as Dennis Rodman, Pamela Anderson, Kim Basinger and Holly Madison, who, in case you didn't know, is one of Hugh Hefner's THREE live-in girlfriends. Holly says she'd rather “go naked than wear fur,” but she seems to be looking for any little old excuse (sorry Hef) to take her clothes off. It really chaps my hide that when faced with a problem, be it global warming, bad writing or low ratings, Hollywood's answer is always... take your clothes off! I hope Congressmen don't catch on to this as I don't even want to think about seeing Ted Kennedy in his birthday suit.

All this activist nudity was started by Lady Godiva who, when protesting an issue, took off all her clothes and rode down Main Street on a horse. I must admit it was an effective campaign in a way. We all know who Lady Godiva is today but I'd be willing to bet Alicia Silverstone a box of Godiva chocolates that she doesn't know what Lady Godiva was protesting! The visual images stay with us but the words seldom do.

I believe that if Alicia Silverstone is remembered at all it won't be for her nude PETA scene but for her one and only hit movie, aptly titled “Clueless.”

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