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CATTLE TODAY

IT'S THE PITTS -- SIGNS OF THE TIMES

by: Lee Pitts

Here are ten signs that people in this country have too much money:

# 10 Glamping: “Roughing it” has taken on new meaning these days. Instead of cooking over a bonfire and sleeping on the ground, rich folks are “glamping,” or, engaging in glamorous camping. At the Resort at Paws Up in Montana glampers pay $595 a night to sleep in heated down comforters in a thermostatically controlled tent, with warmed slate floors and original artwork on the walls. A butler builds their fire, a chef cooks their dinner and a guide takes them fly-fishing. If the glampers are afraid of the noises at night, the bathroom is too far away or such living is simply too harsh they can upgrade to a house on the property for only $3,460 per night.

#9 Multiple Houses: I can't properly take care of the one house we have and yet many Americans are buying second and third homes to live in two weeks a year. (It might be cheaper to just go glamping.) These second homes are not just cabins or shacks but McMansions with media rooms and wine cellars. (Why can't they just store their wine in the boxes it comes in from the grocery store?) I read of one second home that had one dedicated room just to be used for wrapping gifts.

#8 Multiple Spouses: I have absolutely no idea why some people would want and can afford two homes, let alone two or three divorces.

#7 Coffee: Remember when a cup of coffee was a dime at the counter and that included all you could drink? If you were nice to the waitress she might even fill up your Thermos for free. Now days you pay four bucks at Starbucks for a coffee milk shake that is mostly foam. (Starbucks actually goes through more milk than they do coffee.) A person could save a couple bucks just by ordering a Blizzard at the Dairy Queen.

#6 Elective Surgery: Speaking as someone who's gone under the knife many times, I can't understand why anyone would do so willingly just to have a smaller nose or bigger boobs. Why people pay thousands of dollars to have botulism injected, their plumbing rerouted or have their forehead pulled so tight they look like E.T. is beyond me.

#5 Personal Trainers: Not only are people hiring gardeners, house cleaners and nannies, they are employing young studs and stud-muffins to tell them how to work up a sweat. They pay for adult day-care services at the local gym while their kids are laying around at home playing video games, a professional auto detailer is washing their car and their very own personal illegal alien is mowing their lawn. Here's a tip: Keep the work all in the family and you won't get fat and out of shape to begin with.

#4 Accessorizing: Belly button jewelry, tongue studs, face glitter, four color fingernails, toe rings and tattoos in exotic locations. And I'm not talking Tahiti. Need I say more?

#3 Hummers: What would make a person think they need to drive a tank to soccer practice or to the grocery store? Do they think they're going to get attacked by terrorists going to a PTA meeting? The Hummer is Osama's and the Ayatollah's answer to our tomahawk cruise missiles. With gas at three dollars a gallon and oil at 70 bucks a barrel they'll destroy us one Hummer at a time.

#2 Doggy Spas: We can't seem to do enough for our dog-children these days. If your dog is stressed out you might want to send it to LA Dogworks where, for only fifty dollars, it could enjoy an oatmeal body wrap. Or not. Other doggy spas offer acupuncture, therapy and special interactive socialization programs. For dogs!

#1 Bottled Water: In an airport recently I had to pay three dollars for a bottle of water that came out of a public water fountain somewhere. You can get the same water out of the end of a garden hose for free! We're paying more for bottled water per gallon than we are for gasoline. And sometimes the gas tastes better. Have we all gone mad?

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