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CATTLE TODAY

IT'S THE PITTS -- THE COWBOY TEST

by: Lee Pitts

There is mounting evidence that if modern man continues to be feminized by society at the current rate that in just two decades there will be virtually no difference, other than a little plumbing, between the sexes. Even that long-standing icon of maleness, the cowboy, is being made more maidenly. Men, here are 25 questions to determine if you are a real cowboy or should be riding a sidesaddle.

1. Have you ever relaxed after a long day of forking broncs, feeding cows or stretching fence by drinking a hot toddy in a bubble bath, reading the most recent selection from Oprah's book club while being surrounded by scented candles, rose pedals and the music of Barry Manilow?

2. Have you ever watched Dancing With The Stars, Gilmore Girls, The View, Dr. Phil or the Ellen Degenerate show?

3. In your truck is there an air freshener, squash racket, lip gloss or a Yanni CD?

4. Do you currently, or have you ever, worn an earring?

5. Have you ever consumed quiche, Eggs Benedict or a decaf soy latte?

6. Does the name Dr. Laura strike a familiar chord?

7. Do you moisturize regularly?

8. Have you ever been lost and actually stopped to ask for directions?

9. Have you ever been to a marriage counselor, masseuse, hair or tanning salon, Victoria's Secret or a baby shower?

10. Does your idea of a good time include any of the following: disco dancing, bird watching, eating sushi, sharing a hot latte, watching any movie with Julia Roberts in it, yachting or snuggling with a body pillow?

11. Do you anxiously await the new fall hairstyles and fashions?

12. Do you belong to the Nature Conservancy, Sierra Club, the National Organization for Women or either the Democratic or Republican party?

13. Do you own a brown cowboy hat and, if so, are there sequins, silver conchas, the color chartreuse or pheasant feathers anywhere on it?

14. Have you ever been to a spa where you had your body slathered with mud or seaweed while you drank herbal tea and were clothed only in a fuzzy bathrobe?

15. Have you ever read Good Housekeeping, Better Homes and Gardens or Cosmopolitan? Other than to check out the hot models, that is.

16. Have you ever had your eyebrows plucked?

17. Have you ever cried to get something you wanted?

18. Does your cot in the bunkhouse have a duvet on it?

19. Have you ever won a ribbon in barrel racing, pole bending, goat tying or for your baked goods at the county fair?

20. Have you ever logged on to My Space, Facebook, Match.com, or do you have any idea what I'm referring to?

21. Can you name any textile other than denim, wool, Carhartt and Pendleton?

22. Do you own more than three pair of shoes or boots?

23. Do you own a cat named Snookums, Honeybunch or Precious?

24. Does the word “sensitive” describe you or any cycle you've ever used down at the laundromat?

25. Other than performing the Heimlich maneuver, have you ever hugged another grown man? Or, even more disgusting, have you ever kissed another male?

If you answered yes to ANY of these questions hand in your pink spurs straps because you're no cowboy. You might as well be wearing a dress, driving a minivan and hyphenating your last name because you're already a woman.

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