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IT'S THE PITTS -- REVOLUTION

by: Lee Pitts

We are always hearing that what we need to do to solve all of our problems is “come together.” I hope I don't get hung for treason for suggesting this but maybe what we need to do is come apart. Pardon me, Thomas Jefferson, for saying this but maybe these 50 United States should break up into 50 separate countries. The USSR did it and look how well it's working for them. Well, never mind. But before you rush to have the FBI tap my phone or throw me in jail as a subversive please hear me out.

I did something the other day I haven't done since high school: I read the Declaration of Independence. You know, that document that starts out, “When in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve their political bands which have connected them...” and so forth. The Declaration gives the reasons why it was okay for us to break away from England. Here are some of those reasons. See if they don't also apply to today:

• He (the King) has called together legislative bodies at places unusual, uncomfortable and distant,” (You ever hear of a better definition of Washington D.C?) “for the purpose of fatiguing them into compliance with his measure.”

• “He has erected a multitude of new offices and sent hither swarms of officers to harass our people and eat out their substance.”

• “For imposing taxes on us without our consent.”

• “For destroying the lives of our people.”

It goes and on and on like this. Maybe one size doesn't fit all any more.     

If people in Connecticut want marauding bands of wolves turned loose to eat out their substance let them do it in their own nation/state but residents in Wyoming would rather not, thank you very much. If the hedge fund traders think the government should own 90 percent of the land in New York, hey, knock yourself out, but folks in the nation of Nevada would rather have a say as to what they can do on their own land. If people in Rhode Island don't want to drill for oil or chop down trees, fine, they don't have to in their nation/state. But leave us the heck alone.

When the idiots in a particular suburb of Virginia known as Washington D.C. want to sign environmental treaties and NAFTA, CAFTA, and SHAFTA, go right ahead. We hope you starve to death. Why the freezing folks in Delaware would want to strangle their economy by passing global warming legislation I have no idea, but leave the good people in the Dakotas and Minnesota alone. They could use a little global warming!

If the Yankees up North don't like the color of the southerner's necks, fine, you're cordially invited to go somewhere else for vacation. If you want to make fun of residents of Idaho, fine, no more French fries for you.

With 50 separate nation states there would be something for everyone. If you like cows and cowboys you could move to Texas. If you don't, go to Hades, for all they care. If you like Mexican food and want to speak Spanish all the time you can move to California. If you want to smoke dope, marry your same sex partner and kill yourself when you get too old, fine, move to Oregon. If the undefeated football folks in Utah feel shafted by the BCS they could declare war on Florida. (I'm betting on Utah.)

We would have a one year grace period where anyone can move to the state they prefer but after that there would be strict immigration laws and states could charge anyone wanting to move in. Some states (Montana, Wyoming and Colorado) could get as much as $100,000 per new resident while others (Taxachusetts) would have to pay people to move there. We would officially declare the United States bankrupt, skip out on our debts to China and start all over. Each nation/state would have their own banks, gun laws, President and language.            

Anybody got a better idea?

I didn't think so.

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