IT'S THE PITTS -- DRESSED BEEF

by: Lee Pitts

Although I've never heard a single song by Lady Gaga I am a huge fan of hers after she wore a dress made out of meat at this year's MTV's Video Music Awards.

It wasn't just Lady Gaga's weird dress that was made from meat but her shoes and purse too. She even wore what appeared to be a deboned steak as a hat, which I thought was a little bit over the top, but that's just me. Fashion critics were split on the dress, some calling it “elegant” and “fashion forward” while others saw it as an extension of the trend to show exposed female flesh. Certainly the combo of Gaga and her outfit dressed out and was fleshier than a yield grade four steer. PETA really had a cow over Lady Gaga's meat dress, which made me like it even more.

If meat dresses catch on, just think, it will give all new meaning to the term “clothes horse.”

Lady Gaga must perspire terribly, either that or she spilled Worcestershire Sauce on her meat dress, or the dogs attacked it, because she wore three outfits on the MTV show. Mind you, I've never watched MTV in my life but I did see pictures of Miss Gaga in her meat outfit and I must say, it looked well done. Okay, so that's a poor choice of words. Let's just say it was rare.

But not as rare as you'd think.

Lady Gaga had previously worn a bikini made from meat and before that a Canadian artist, and I use the term loosely, named Jana Sterbak, made a meat dress she called a “Flesh Dress for an Albino Anorexic” way back in 1987. I'm told that Sterbak's outfit is now rotting away in a Paris museum. I suppose it was either that or it was going to be made into fast food burgers, but I can't even see Frenchmen ordering a Meat Dress Whopper or Big Mac with French flies.

The idea of “carcass as clothing” didn't reemerge until 2006 when a Chinese artist, Zhang Huan, made a “muscle suit” from meat. Then some contestants in America's Top Model wore meat in 2008 and any day now I expect to see Cher wearing lingerie on stage made from nothing but a rump roast. And even though I'd love to see Michael Jordan's Beefy T's made from ground round I must say that Lady Gaga's dress didn't look all that comfortable or practical. It looked like if she attempted to sit down in her juicy outfit she might rip a fat seam, tear a muscle or bruise her beef.

From looking at the photos I'd guess that Lady Gaga's dress was no “off the rack” outfit. (Or, I guess it was, in one respect). The dress must have weighed 50 pounds and probably doubled Lady Gaga's annual beef consumption in just one night. And I don't suppose the dress could ever be used again. I mean, what's she going to do, hang it in her closet and wear it to church or a nephew's marriage?

The best part of the meat dress was that it appeared to be made from cheaper cuts of beef. Flank steak seemed to play a major role. As a result I can envision beef becoming a natural fiber just like wool, only it will be ready to wear, or grill. The Beef Board has been looking for ways to increase the value of the parts of the beef carcass that don't bring as much money and clothing from beef would certainly do that. After Lady Gaga's display I expect Hollywood actresses to soon be wearing $100,000 Versace gowns made of meat. Just think what that could do for beef prices! We could easily change our slogan to “Beef! It's What To Wear to Dinner!”

One critic said Lady Gaga's dress was “immature” but it looked to me to be well aged. In response to critics the singer said, “If we don't stand up for what we believe in and if we don't fight for our rights, pretty soon we're going to have as much rights as the meat on our bones.” I say, Gaga for President... or at least our next beef spokesperson!

PETA says the idea of wearing parts from dead cows will never, ever catch on. But I'm not so sure. After all, people have been wearing leather shoes, belts, pants, purses and jackets for what, thousands of years now?

But it's probably just a fad.

www.LeePittsbooks.com







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