IT'S THE PITTS -- AH-CHOO!

by: Lee Pitts

Warning: This article was written as a research paper but was rejected by the Journal of Animal Science, New England Journal of Medicine, Mayo Clinical Proceedings, European Medical Journal, Journal of Experimental Medicine and The Nance County Journal. Although it was written with a sincere desire that it would further the study of animal breeding, I can understand why feminists may find it highly offensive. As will those of the "politically correct" persuasion and anyone else who finds a frank discussion about reproductive physiology to be in poor taste. If you are included in any of the previously-mentioned groups please STOP READING NOW! For the rest of us, those with open minds and a scientific curiosity, it is now safe to continue reading.

Woody and I were responsible for the care and feeding of the bulls on test at the college we attended. Actually, Woody fed the bulls and I had the demanding task of peppering the bull's rumps. Yes, you heard me correctly, I said "peppering their rumps!" You see, when large numbers of breeding age bulls from many different ranches are confined in a small space for extended periods they become bored and shall we say, for lack of a better word, rambunctious. There being no bovine of the opposite gender in the pens with them they, well, use your imagination. But this behavior injured the bulls and the sensitivities of some of the stuffed shirts on campus who thought such behavior was perverted and disgusting.

So it fell upon me to pepper the bull's rumps. I would periodically spread liberal amounts of black pepper on their rumps and then when another bull approached from the rear and smelled the other bull the offending bull would spend the rest of the day sneezing instead of acting in a repulsive manner. It was during this period of my education that I noticed that a certain Red Angus breeder's bulls spent most of their time sneezing, indicating a high degree of libido. So, later, when I had a cow herd of my own, I went to this breeder's bull sale to purchase one of his bulls. For the sake of this story we shall call this breeder Roy, because that happened to be his name.

I went to Roy's sale because I knew he had great bulls and better yet, he had begun the practice of libido testing his yearling bulls. He did this by turning his sale bulls one at a time into a pen with a heifer in heat. If the bull went straight to the feed bunk he was designated as a one star, bull but if he showed a passing interest in the heifer he was designated as worthy of two stars. What I was after was a "three star bull."

I wanted a three star bull because I figured that I could get by with one bull instead of two, saving on the purchase price and yearly expense associated with bulls. That was how we came to purchase "Steve." We named our bull Steve after a prominent baseball player of the era who was definitely a "three star" player, if you know what I mean.

Steve lived up to his three star billing and performed exactly as expected for several years. But after five all-star seasons I thought Steve might need some help. Besides, nearly all the cows in my herd were his daughters. They were that good. The problem was that Roy was no longer libido testing his bulls. It seems the animal rightists and feminists considered locking a bull and heifer in a pen together as nothing less than rape! I am not kidding.

So one day at another breeder's sale I noticed a good looking bull in the pen that was acting in a very aggressive manner towards the other bulls. I took this behavior to mean that this bull would be a three star bull and a worthy successor to Steve.

We took Steve The Second home and turned him in a pasture with the original Steve and a group of cows. To make a long story short, my theory proved incorrect. The original Steve bred all the cows and I had to spend most of the breeding season peppering Steve's rump.

From then on we had a new nickname for Steve The Second.

We called him Sneezy.

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