Daily Joke

A friendly place for chat, rumors, gossip and jokes.
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greybeard
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Re: Daily Joke

Postby greybeard » Sun Oct 15, 2017 4:43 pm

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;-)
3 x
"For evil to flourish, all that is required is for good men to do nothing" Burke

It ain't easy being a used cow salesman.

Covet Not!

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HDRider
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Re: Daily Joke

Postby HDRider » Thu Oct 19, 2017 6:06 am

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”

She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”
“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”

“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”

“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name.”
“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".
4 x
bball wrote: "The juice wasn't worth the squeeze."
Dun said, "You gotta be flexible. Do whatever you have to do for the best results within your limitations."

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Re: Daily Joke

Postby HDRider » Tue Oct 31, 2017 4:37 am

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the be nice is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted.
2 x
bball wrote: "The juice wasn't worth the squeeze."
Dun said, "You gotta be flexible. Do whatever you have to do for the best results within your limitations."

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Re: Daily Joke

Postby HDRider » Sat Nov 04, 2017 9:23 am

My wife and I went to the Calgary Bull Sale & Agricultural Show and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,
'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ......smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week ! ...........You could learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR

'My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said,
'Go over and ask him if every time was with the same old cow.'

My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.
2 x
bball wrote: "The juice wasn't worth the squeeze."
Dun said, "You gotta be flexible. Do whatever you have to do for the best results within your limitations."

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Son of Butch
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Re: Daily Joke

Postby Son of Butch » Sat Nov 04, 2017 10:44 pm

Yo' mamma is so fat her graduation picture was a bowl of gravy.
0 x

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Re: Daily Joke

Postby HDRider » Mon Dec 11, 2017 7:20 am

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.

A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'

'Uh...yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.

'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for my self.'

'Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'

'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'

'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.

'I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world complete with servants,' she said.

'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'

'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?'

'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'

The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'

'You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. 'I'd do the same for you!'

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, 'How old are you and your husband?'

'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.

'No Kidding,' he said.

'Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?'
4 x
bball wrote: "The juice wasn't worth the squeeze."
Dun said, "You gotta be flexible. Do whatever you have to do for the best results within your limitations."

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TexasBred
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Re: Daily Joke

Postby TexasBred » Mon Dec 18, 2017 2:15 pm

In a recent polling of 585 NFL players, nearly all of them were unsure of exactly what they are protesting.



Here's a sampling of responses to the question "What are you protesting by kneeling during the National Anthem?"



"Pretty sure it's against Nazis - especially the white ones."

"We're protesting America becoming capitalistic instead of equal."

"I'm protesting against Trump saying black lives don't matter."

"We're against global warming and the police."

"We're showing the world that we care about, ahh, things such as...
such as...ahhhhh, freedom from suppression?"

"Me and my fellow players are protesting the Constitution of Independence because of what it does to people of color."

"We are displaying our right to stand up by kneeling for our beliefs."

"We are protesting Trump, because he, you know, keeping the black man down and sh*t."

"Myself is kneeling to show that just because I'm American don't mean I got to act like one."

Enough Said! Are we clear now.
0 x
A dung beetle walks into a bar, looks around and says "Is this stool taken"????

ez14.
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Re: Daily Joke

Postby ez14. » Wed Dec 20, 2017 11:10 pm

greybeard wrote:A Mexican, an Arab,

and a Michigan girl are

in the same bar.

When the Mexican

finishes his beer,

he throws his glass

in the air, pulls out

his pistol, and shoots

the glass to pieces.

He says, 'In Mexico ,

our glasses are so

cheap we don't need

to drink with the same one twice.'

The Arab, obviously

impressed by this,

drinks non-alcohol beer

(cuz he's a muslim!),

throws it into the

air, pulls out his

AK-47, and shoots

the glass to pieces.

He says, 'In the

Arab World, we have

so much sand to make

glasses that we don't

need to drink with

the same one twice either.'

The Michigan girl,

cool as a cucumber,

picks up her beer,

downs it in one gulp,

throws the glass into

the air, whips out her

45, and shoots the

Mexican and the Arab.

Catching her glass,

setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill,

she says,

'In Michigan ,

we have so many

illegal aliens that

we don't have to

drink with the same ones twice.'
to true!
1 x

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Nesikep
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Re: Daily Joke

Postby Nesikep » Sun Jan 07, 2018 11:09 pm

The dentist pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot.
"No way! No needles. I hate needles," the patient said.
The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects.
"I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on suffocates me!"
The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.
"No objection," the patient says. "'I'm fine with pills."
The dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra."
The patient says, "Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!"
"It doesn't," said the dentist, "but it's going to give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth."
3 x
What can be asserted without evidence can be dismissed without evidence
-Christopher Hitchens

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Re: Daily Joke

Postby HDRider » Tue Jan 09, 2018 12:42 pm

A biker who had a little too much to drink is riding home from the city one night and, of course, his bike is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over.

"So," says the cop to the drunk biker, "where have ya been this evening?"
"Why, I've been to the bar, of course," slurs the drunk biker.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk biker says with a smile.

Folding his arms across his chest the cop asks, "Did you know that a few intersections back, your wife fell out off the bike?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk biker, "for a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
0 x
bball wrote: "The juice wasn't worth the squeeze."
Dun said, "You gotta be flexible. Do whatever you have to do for the best results within your limitations."

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bbirder
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Re: Daily Joke

Postby bbirder » Tue Jan 16, 2018 7:52 am

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2 x
"A good climbing rope will last you 3 to 5 years. A bad climbing rope will last you a lifetime."

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Nesikep
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Re: Daily Joke

Postby Nesikep » Tue Jan 16, 2018 3:51 pm

A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday. She spent $5000 and felt really good about the results. On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around. As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35,"he replied. "I'm actually 47," the woman said, feeling really happy. After that she went into McDonald's for lunch and asked the order taker the same question. He replied, "Oh, you look about 29." "I am actually 47!" she said, feeling really good. While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question. He replied, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my hand up your skirt I will be able to tell your exact age." There was no one around, so the woman said, "What the be nice?" and let him slip his hand up her skirt. After feeling around for a while, the old man said, "OK, You are 47." Stunned, the woman said, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?" The old man replied, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."
4 x
What can be asserted without evidence can be dismissed without evidence
-Christopher Hitchens

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Nesikep
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Re: Daily Joke

Postby Nesikep » Wed Jan 17, 2018 4:11 am

One small mistake and a career is ruined!
A very sad day! After 7 years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine has been fired after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and can no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, effort, training and money. This shows that one minor mistake can ruin your career. Praying for him and his family. He is a genuinely nice guy and a brilliant veterinarian.
1 x
What can be asserted without evidence can be dismissed without evidence
-Christopher Hitchens

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greybeard
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Re: Daily Joke

Postby greybeard » Wed Jan 17, 2018 6:07 am

Nesikep wrote:One small mistake and a career is ruined!
A very sad day! After 7 years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine has been fired after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and can no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, effort, training and money. This shows that one minor mistake can ruin your career. Praying for him and his family. He is a genuinely nice guy and a brilliant veterinarian.

Did that happen in Ky?
:hide:
3 x
"For evil to flourish, all that is required is for good men to do nothing" Burke

It ain't easy being a used cow salesman.

Covet Not!

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bbirder
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Re: Daily Joke

Postby bbirder » Wed Jan 17, 2018 9:41 am

Image
1 x
"A good climbing rope will last you 3 to 5 years. A bad climbing rope will last you a lifetime."


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