Daily Joke

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Cross-7
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Re: Daily Joke

Postby Cross-7 » Fri Feb 17, 2017 11:21 pm

The flood of Trump-fearing American liberals sneaking across the
border into Canada has intensified in the past week. The Republican
presidential campaign is prompting an exodus among left-leaning Americans
who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray, pay taxes, obey the law,
and live according to the U.S. Constitution.
Canadian border residents say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology
professors, liberal arts majors, global-warming activists, pampered
athletes, movie stars, and "green" energy proponents crossing their fields
at night.
When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing that
they fear persecution from Trump high-hairers.
Rumors are circulating about plans being made to build re-education
camps where liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer, study the
Constitution, and find jobs that actually contribute to the economy.
Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are
creating an organic-broccoli shortage, are buying up all the Barbara
Streisand CD's, and are overloading the internet while downloading
jazzercise apps to their cell phones.
"I really feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy
just can't support them," an Ottawa resident said. "After all, how many
art-history majors does one country need?
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Son of Butch
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Re: Daily Joke

Postby Son of Butch » Sat Feb 18, 2017 1:20 am

Cross-7 wrote:Rumors are circulating about plans being made to build re-education camps.....
"After all, how many art-history majors does one country need?

Just another bleeding :heart: posting

The Khmer Rouge (led by Pol Pot) showed it was a waste of time taking educated professionals and intellectuals
to re-education camps and just shoot 'em all. The educated only interfere with plans when consolidating power
or turn into snitches afterwards.
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Nesikep
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Re: Daily Joke

Postby Nesikep » Sat Feb 18, 2017 3:32 am

We have absolutely enough liberal arts degrees here as it is!
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wbvs58
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Re: Daily Joke

Postby wbvs58 » Sat Feb 18, 2017 3:33 am

Nesikep wrote:
tater74 wrote:Walk With Me While I Age


I hope this poem has the same effect on you as it did on me. Walk with me while I age - worth the read.


A BEAUTIFUL POEM ABOUT GROWING OLDER





be nice ......


I forgot the words


When is Alzheimer Awareness week???


I've forgotten.

Ken
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TexasBred
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Re: Daily Joke

Postby TexasBred » Tue Feb 21, 2017 8:53 am

1..Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called ...'Ministers do more than Lay People'


2..Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

3..The difference between the Pope and your boss, the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.


4..My mind works like lightning, one brilliant flash and it is gone.

5..The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.


6..I hate sex in the movies.Tried it once.The seat folded up,the drink spilled and that ice,well,it really chilled the mood.

7..It used to be only death and taxes. Now,of course,there's shipping and handling,too.


8..A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

9..My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.


10.. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment...for enjoying sex.


Thought for the day: Be who you are and say what you feel.. because those that matter, don't mind...and those that mind... don't matter!
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A dung beetle walks into a bar, looks around and says "Is this stool taken"????

halfbean
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Re: Daily Joke

Postby halfbean » Tue Feb 21, 2017 10:58 am

Three things that don't lie,

Small children,
Drunk people and
Yoga pants.
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CowboyBlue
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Re: Daily Joke

Postby CowboyBlue » Thu Feb 23, 2017 11:01 am

The worst zoo I ever went to only had one scruffy little white dog in a cage.

It was a Shih Tzu.
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TexasBred
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Re: Daily Joke

Postby TexasBred » Mon Feb 27, 2017 1:19 pm

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Nothing."
The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking"is because she then would have asked, "About what?"
At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.

Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the testicles?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know?

Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say,"It might be nice to have another child."
… On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case. Time for another beer, and then maybe a nap.
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A dung beetle walks into a bar, looks around and says "Is this stool taken"????

ez14.
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Re: Daily Joke

Postby ez14. » Mon Feb 27, 2017 1:21 pm

TexasBred wrote:I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Nothing."
The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking"is because she then would have asked, "About what?"
At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.

Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the testicles?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know?

Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say,"It might be nice to have another child."
… On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case. Time for another beer, and then maybe a nap.

:clap: :clap: :clap:
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TN Cattle Man
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Re: Daily Joke

Postby TN Cattle Man » Mon Feb 27, 2017 3:58 pm

How Politics Work....

I don't think Bill Gates has a daughter, but this does explain how politics
works.

The Plot Thickens.........

I tell my son, "You'll marry the
girl I choose."
He says, "No way!"

I say, "she's Bill Gates' daughter."
He says, "Okay."

I call Bill Gates and say, "I want
your daughter to marry my son,"
Bill Gates says, "No!"

I tell Bill Gates, "my son is about
to become the C.E.O. of the World Bank."
Bill Gates says, "Okay then."

I call the president of world bank
and ask him to make my son the C.E.O.
He says, "Is this a joke?"

I say, "My son's about to become
Bill Gates' son-in-law."
He says, "It's a deal."

That's how politics works.
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bbirder
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Re: Daily Joke

Postby bbirder » Mon Mar 06, 2017 8:00 am

Police call.....

A Police Officer called police station with unusual report...........

"I'm at the home of an older lady who has just shot her husband because he had stepped on the floor she had just finished mopping. Condition of the husband not known.

Police station
"Have you arrested her?"

Officer
"Not yet, the floor is still wet."
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lavacarancher
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Re: Daily Joke

Postby lavacarancher » Mon Mar 06, 2017 8:19 am

TexasBred wrote:1..Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called ...'Ministers do more than Lay People'


2..Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

3..The difference between the Pope and your boss, the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.Nothing wrong with kissing a$$. The trick is to know whose a$$ to kiss. (An old oil patch joke)


4..My mind works like lightning, one brilliant flash and it is gone.

5..The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.


6..I hate sex in the movies.Tried it once.The seat folded up,the drink spilled and that ice,well,it really chilled the mood.

7..It used to be only death and taxes. Now,of course,there's shipping and handling,too.


8..A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

9..My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.


10.. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment...for enjoying sex.


Thought for the day: Be who you are and say what you feel.. because those that matter, don't mind...and those that mind... don't matter!
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TexasBred
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Re: Daily Joke

Postby TexasBred » Tue Mar 07, 2017 3:09 pm

Larry the Fighter Pilot


A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Larry says: "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest wh ore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."

The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this outrageous response from little Larry, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson. "And how about you, Sarah?"

"I wanna be Larry's wh ore"
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A dung beetle walks into a bar, looks around and says "Is this stool taken"????

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TexasBred
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Re: Daily Joke

Postby TexasBred » Wed Mar 08, 2017 11:13 am

$5.37!
That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me.
I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher.
Having already handed the
kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change
when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the hardest thing anyone has ever said to me.
He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."

I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me.
"Only $4.68" he said cheerfully.

I stood there stupefied. I am 56, not even 60 yet?
A mere child!
Senior citizen?

I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Elmo.
Was he blind?
As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil.
Old? Me?

I'll show him, I thought.
I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter,
and there he was waiting with a smile.

Before I could say a word, he held up something
and jingled it in front of me,
like I could be that easily distracted!
What am I now?
A toddler?

"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?"
I stared with utter disdain at the keys.
I began to rationalize in my mind!


"Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly!
It could happen to anyone!"

I turned and headed back to the truck.
I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn.
What now?
I checked my keys and tried another.
Still nothing.

That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.
I had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.

Then, a few other objects came into focus:
The car seat in the back seat.
Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard.
A partially eaten dough nut on the dashboard.

Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.

Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot,
relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life.
That is when I
felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger!
My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito,
only it was nowhere to be found

I swung the truck around, gathered my courage,
and strode back into the restaurant one final time.
There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish.
All I could think was,
"What is the world coming to?"

All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here"?
At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle,
and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.

Elmo had no clue.
I walked back out to the truck,
and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention.
He was holding up a drink and a bag.
His mother explained,
"I think you left this in my truck by mistake."

I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.

She offered these kind words:
"It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."

All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40 mph zone.
Yessss, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius.
And no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.

As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall.
I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket.
I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.

The good news was that I had successfully found my way home.

Pass this on to the other "old fogies" on your list (so they can have fun laughing, too).

Notice the larger type?
That's for those of us who have trouble reading.

P.S. Save the earth..... It's the only planet with chocolate!!!!!
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A dung beetle walks into a bar, looks around and says "Is this stool taken"????

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Nesikep
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Re: Daily Joke

Postby Nesikep » Sat Mar 11, 2017 4:57 pm

On a beautiful desolate island in the middle of nowhere, the following
group of people are shipwrecked :

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men anti 1 Greek woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman
2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
2 English men and 1 English woman

One month later on the same island in the middle of nowhere, the
following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in
a menage-a-trois.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits
with the German woman

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is
cleaning and cooking for them.

The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean, another
long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming.

The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a
restaurant and a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to
supply employees for their stores.

The two Australian men are contemplating suicide because the
Australian woman keeps complaining about her body; the true nature of
feminism; how she can do everything they can do; the necessity of
fulfilment; the equal division of household chores; how sand and palm
trees make her look fat; how her last boyfriend respected her opinion
and treated her nicer than they do; how her relationship with her
mother is improving, and how at least the taxes are low and It isn't
raining.

The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and
have set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the
picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of
coconut whisky. But they're satisfied because at least the English
aren't having any fun.

The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the
English woman!
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