Daily Joke

A friendly place for chat, rumors, gossip and jokes.
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TN Cattle Man
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Re: Daily Joke

Postby TN Cattle Man » Tue Mar 14, 2017 7:11 pm

March 14 2017, an old man approaches the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue where he’d been sitting on a park bench. He speaks to the U.S. Marine standing guard and says, “I would like to go in and meet with President Obama.”

The Marine looks at the man and says, “Sir, Mr. Obama is no longer President and no longer resides here. ”The old man says, “Okay,” and walks away.

The following day the same man approaches the White House and says to the same Marine, “I would like to go in and meet with President Obama.”

The Marine again tells the man, “Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Obama is no longer President and no longer resides here.” The man thanks him and again just walks away.

The third day the same man approaches the White House and speaks to the very same U.S. Marine, saying, “I would like to go in and meet with President Obama.”

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looks at the man and says, “Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Obama. I’ve told you already that Mr. Obama is no longer the President and no longer resides here. Don’t you understand?”

The old man looks at the Marine and says, “Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it.”

The Marine snaps to attention, salutes, and says, “See you tomorrow, Sir!”
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Son of Butch
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Re: Daily Joke

Postby Son of Butch » Tue Mar 14, 2017 9:20 pm

Did you hear about the Siamese Twin divorcing her husband?

She caught him fooling around with a woman on the side.
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Re: Daily Joke

Postby Cross-7 » Tue Mar 14, 2017 10:09 pm

A man returns home a day early from a business trip.
It's after midnight. While en-route home, he asks the cabby if he
would be a witness, because the man suspects his wife is having an
affair, and he wants to catch her in the act.
For $100, the cabby agrees.
Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom.
The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there
is his wife, naked as a jay bird, with a man, totally nude also. The
husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouts, “Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.”
HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.
HE paid for your new 25 ft. Ranger Fishing Boat.
HE paid for your Football season tickets.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for your Golf Trip to St Andrews and your new 4 x 4.
HE paid for our country club membership and he even pays the monthly dues.
And because of HIM, I can put an extra $2,000 in our checking account
each month.
Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He
looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do'?
The cabby replies, 'I'd cover him with that blanket, before he catches a cold.'
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Nesikep
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Re: Daily Joke

Postby Nesikep » Sun Mar 19, 2017 10:15 pm

We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.
On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating.
I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day.
By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head.
The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.
Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.
Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.
'Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it.'
'You know where the button is,' I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. 'Reset it yourself!'
'But I'm scared!' she persisted. 'What if it starts going and sucks me in?'
There was a meaningful pause and then, 'C'mon, it'll only take you a second.'
So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behaviour as extremely cowardly.
Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.
It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances.
No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs.
She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.
Wild animals are sometimes faced with a 'fight or flight' syndrome.
Men, in this predicament, choose only the 'flight' option. I know this from experience.
I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent.
The impact knocked me out cold.
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me.
Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of 'been-there, done-that' paramedics.
Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter ...... and not succeeding.
Somehow I lived through it all.
A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury.
I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.
'What's the matter?' They all asked, 'Cat got your tongue?'
If they only knew!
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The only possible end result of treating all animals like people is that all people will be treated like animals

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Re: Daily Joke

Postby john250 » Mon Mar 20, 2017 11:25 am

Cats are evil.
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Re: Daily Joke

Postby slick4591 » Mon Mar 20, 2017 3:00 pm

Image
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tater74
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Re: Daily Joke

Postby tater74 » Sun Apr 02, 2017 9:05 am

How does a Texas Aggie spell farm?













"Eieio"
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TexasBred
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Re: Daily Joke

Postby TexasBred » Mon Apr 03, 2017 10:18 am

A young Arab boy asks his father, "What is that weird hat you are
wearing?"

The father said, "Why, it's a 'chechia' because in the desert it protects
our heads from the intense heat of the sun."

"And what is this type of clothing that you are wearing?" asked the young
man.

"It's a 'djbellah' because in the desert it is very hot and it protects
the body," said the father.

The son asked, "And what about those ugly shoes on your feet?"

His father replied, "These are 'babouches' which keep us from burning our
feet from hot sand in the desert."

"So tell me then," added the boy

"Yes, my son?”

"Why are you living in Dearborn Michigan and still wearing all this shyt?
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“If it were up to me, I would put in jail every sandal-wearing, scruffy-bearded weirdo who burns the American flag.....“But I am not king.”....Supreme Court Justice Scalia

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Alan
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Re: Daily Joke

Postby Alan » Mon Apr 03, 2017 10:35 am

A college writing professor informed his class their assignment was to write a short story, using a few words as possible. In the story they must include religion, human sexuality and mystery. Also it was to be a writing competition, on one short story will receive an "A". Here's is the winning paper from a young lady in his class.

"OH GOD! I'm pregnant, I wonder who's it is!"
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ez14.
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Re: Daily Joke

Postby ez14. » Mon Apr 03, 2017 11:02 am

TexasBred wrote:A young Arab boy asks his father, "What is that weird hat you are
wearing?"

The father said, "Why, it's a 'chechia' because in the desert it protects
our heads from the intense heat of the sun."

"And what is this type of clothing that you are wearing?" asked the young
man.

"It's a 'djbellah' because in the desert it is very hot and it protects
the body," said the father.

The son asked, "And what about those ugly shoes on your feet?"

His father replied, "These are 'babouches' which keep us from burning our
feet from hot sand in the desert."

"So tell me then," added the boy

"Yes, my son?”

"Why are you living in Dearborn Michigan and still wearing all this shyt?
:clap: :clap: :lol:
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D2Cat
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Re: Daily Joke

Postby D2Cat » Sun Apr 09, 2017 1:18 pm

Tom's Scrotum--The Best Story of the Year:

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband,Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced. "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain.

" We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath.

I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum.
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CowboyBlue
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Re: Daily Joke

Postby CowboyBlue » Wed Apr 12, 2017 12:36 pm

A Stetson says to another Stetson: "Stay here. I'll go on ahead."
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•"Oh, we cow a little. How much cowing are you likely to need?" P.E. Parker, Wrangler, Hat Creek Cattle Company and Livery Emporium

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TexasBred
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Re: Daily Joke

Postby TexasBred » Mon Apr 24, 2017 12:46 pm

FENDER SKIRTS AND SUPPER
I know some of you will not understand this message,
but I bet you know someone who might.
I came across this phrase yesterday.
'FENDER SKIRTS'


A term I haven't heard in a long time, and thinking about
'fender skirts' started me thinking
about other words that quietly disappear from
our language with hardly a notice like 'curb feelers'


And 'steering knobs.' (AKA)
'suicide knob,' 'neckers knobs.'
Since I'd been thinking of cars,
my mind naturally went that direction first.

Any kids will probably have to find some older person
over 50 to explain some of these terms to you.

Remember 'Continental kits?'
They were rear bumper extenders and spare tire covers
that were supposed to make any car
as cool as a Lincoln Continental.


When did we quit calling them 'emergency brakes?
At some point 'parking brake' became the proper term.
But I miss the hint of drama that went with 'emergency brake.'

I'm sad, too, that almost all the old folks are gone
who would call the accelerator the 'foot feed.'
Many today do not even know what a clutch is
or that the dimmer switch used to be on the floor.
For that matter, the starter was down there too.



Didn't you ever wait at the street for your daddy
to come home, so you could ride the
'running board' up to the house?

Here's a phrase I heard all the time in my youth
but never anymore - 'store-bought.'
Of course, just about everything is store-bought these days.
But once it was bragging material to have a
store-bought dress or a store-bought bag of candy.


'Coast to coast' is a phrase that once held all sorts
of excitement and now means almost nothing.
Now we take the term 'worldwide' for granted.
This floors me.



On a smaller scale, 'wall-to-wall' was once
a magical term in our homes. In the '50s,
everyone covered his or her hardwood floors with,
wow, wall-to-wall carpeting!
Today, everyone replaces their wall-to-wall carpeting
with hardwood floors. Go figure.




When was the last time you heard the quaint phrase
'in a family way?' It's hard to imagine that the word 'pregnant'
was once considered a little too graphic,
a little too clinical for use in polite company,
so we had all that talk about stork visits and
'being in a family way' or simply 'expecting.'

Apparently 'brassiere' is a word no longer in usage.
I said it the other day and my daughter cracked up.
I guess it's just 'bra' now.
'Unmentionables' probably wouldn't be understood at all.

I always loved going to the 'picture show,'
but I considered 'movie' an affectation.



Most of these words go back to the '50s,
but here's a pure '60s word I came across
the other day 'rat fink.' Ooh, what a nasty put-down!



Here's a word I miss - 'percolator.'
That was just a fun word to say.
And what was it replaced with 'Coffee maker.'
How dull... Mr. Coffee, I blame you for this.



I miss those made-up marketing words that were
meant to sound so modern and now sound so retro.
Words like 'Dyna Flow' and 'Electrolux' and 'Frigidaire'.
Introducing the 1963 Admiral TV, now with 'Spectra Vision!'



Food for thought.
Was there a telethon that wiped out lumbago?
Nobody complains of that anymore.
Maybe that's what Castor oil cured,
because I never hear mothers threatening kids
with Castor Oil anymore.



Some words aren't gone, but are definitely
on the endangered list.
The one that grieves me most is 'supper.'
Now everybody says 'dinner.' Save a great word.
Invite someone to supper. Discuss fender skirts.




Someone forwarded this to me.
I thought some of us of a 'certain age'
would remember most of these.
0 x
“If it were up to me, I would put in jail every sandal-wearing, scruffy-bearded weirdo who burns the American flag.....“But I am not king.”....Supreme Court Justice Scalia

ez14.
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Re: Daily Joke

Postby ez14. » Mon Apr 24, 2017 10:27 pm

TexasBred wrote:FENDER SKIRTS AND SUPPER
I know some of you will not understand this message,
but I bet you know someone who might.
I came across this phrase yesterday.
'FENDER SKIRTS'


A term I haven't heard in a long time, and thinking about
'fender skirts' started me thinking
about other words that quietly disappear from
our language with hardly a notice like 'curb feelers'


And 'steering knobs.' (AKA)
'suicide knob,' 'neckers knobs.'
Since I'd been thinking of cars,
my mind naturally went that direction first.

Any kids will probably have to find some older person
over 50 to explain some of these terms to you.

Remember 'Continental kits?'
They were rear bumper extenders and spare tire covers
that were supposed to make any car
as cool as a Lincoln Continental.


When did we quit calling them 'emergency brakes?
At some point 'parking brake' became the proper term.
But I miss the hint of drama that went with 'emergency brake.'

I'm sad, too, that almost all the old folks are gone
who would call the accelerator the 'foot feed.'
Many today do not even know what a clutch is
or that the dimmer switch used to be on the floor.
For that matter, the starter was down there too.



Didn't you ever wait at the street for your daddy
to come home, so you could ride the
'running board' up to the house?

Here's a phrase I heard all the time in my youth
but never anymore - 'store-bought.'
Of course, just about everything is store-bought these days.
But once it was bragging material to have a
store-bought dress or a store-bought bag of candy.


'Coast to coast' is a phrase that once held all sorts
of excitement and now means almost nothing.
Now we take the term 'worldwide' for granted.
This floors me.



On a smaller scale, 'wall-to-wall' was once
a magical term in our homes. In the '50s,
everyone covered his or her hardwood floors with,
wow, wall-to-wall carpeting!
Today, everyone replaces their wall-to-wall carpeting
with hardwood floors. Go figure.




When was the last time you heard the quaint phrase
'in a family way?' It's hard to imagine that the word 'pregnant'
was once considered a little too graphic,
a little too clinical for use in polite company,
so we had all that talk about stork visits and
'being in a family way' or simply 'expecting.'

Apparently 'brassiere' is a word no longer in usage.
I said it the other day and my daughter cracked up.
I guess it's just 'bra' now.
'Unmentionables' probably wouldn't be understood at all.

I always loved going to the 'picture show,'
but I considered 'movie' an affectation.



Most of these words go back to the '50s,
but here's a pure '60s word I came across
the other day 'rat fink.' Ooh, what a nasty put-down!



Here's a word I miss - 'percolator.'
That was just a fun word to say.
And what was it replaced with 'Coffee maker.'
How dull... Mr. Coffee, I blame you for this.



I miss those made-up marketing words that were
meant to sound so modern and now sound so retro.
Words like 'Dyna Flow' and 'Electrolux' and 'Frigidaire'.
Introducing the 1963 Admiral TV, now with 'Spectra Vision!'



Food for thought.
Was there a telethon that wiped out lumbago?
Nobody complains of that anymore.
Maybe that's what Castor oil cured,
because I never hear mothers threatening kids
with Castor Oil anymore.



Some words aren't gone, but are definitely
on the endangered list.
The one that grieves me most is 'supper.'
Now everybody says 'dinner.' Save a great word.
Invite someone to supper. Discuss fender skirts.




Someone forwarded this to me.
I thought some of us of a 'certain age'
would remember most of these.
I'm actually familiar with quite a few of those terms! I'm thinking that fender skirts would be what we called whiskers? (Because it was like a mustache on a vehicle)
0 x

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TexasBred
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Re: Daily Joke

Postby TexasBred » Tue Apr 25, 2017 10:30 am

ez14. wrote:I'm actually familiar with quite a few of those terms! I'm thinking that fender skirts would be what we called whiskers? (Because it was like a mustache on a vehicle)



Here you go buddy....fender skirts.

https://www.bing.com/search?q=picture+o ... lang=en-US
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“If it were up to me, I would put in jail every sandal-wearing, scruffy-bearded weirdo who burns the American flag.....“But I am not king.”....Supreme Court Justice Scalia


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