Daily Joke

A friendly place for chat, rumors, gossip and jokes.
Cross-7
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Re: Daily Joke

Postby Cross-7 » Sat Jun 17, 2017 9:29 pm

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TexasBred
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Re: Daily Joke

Postby TexasBred » Mon Jun 19, 2017 1:55 pm

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've heard colleagues referring to people with Guts, or with Balls. Do they, however, know the difference between them?

Here's the official distinction; straight from the British Medical Journal:
Volume 323; page 295.

GUTS - Is arriving home late, after a night out with the lads, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the lads, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: "You're next, Chubby"

I trust this clears up any confusion. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome; both are fatal.
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Re: Daily Joke

Postby Cross-7 » Mon Jun 19, 2017 7:28 pm

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess,
"Will you marry me?"

The Princess immediately said, "No!"

…and the Prince lived happily ever after, and rode motorcycles and dated thin, long-legged, full-breasted women, and hunted and fished and raced cars, and went to bars and dated ladies half his age and drank whiskey and beer and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony, and dated
cheerleaders and kept his house and guns, and ate spam and potato chips and beans, and blew enormous farts, and never got cheated on while he was at work, and all his friends and family
thought he was friggin cool as be nice, and he had tons of money in
the bank, and left the toilet seat up.

The End
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Re: Daily Joke

Postby jedstivers » Mon Jun 19, 2017 11:36 pm

Yep^^^^^^
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Re: Daily Joke

Postby HDRider » Tue Jun 20, 2017 7:23 am

This sailor met a pirate in a bar, and the sailor couldn't help but notice that the pirate was pretty badly the worse for wear. He had a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch.

So, the sailor asked the pirate how he got the peg leg, and the pirate answered, "Well mate, I got washed up overboard one night while we were in a fierce storm. and dern me if a shark didn't go and bite off me leg."

Then the sailor asked, "So, how'd you get the hook?" and the pirate answered, "Well, we was in a fierce fight while boarding a ship one time, and that's when I got me hand cut off."

Finally, the sailor asked, "So, how'd you get the eye patch?" and the pirate responded, "A seagull pooped in me eye."

"You mean to tell me you lost an eye just because a seagull pooped in it?"

"Well, it was the first day with me hook..."
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Re: Daily Joke

Postby Cross-7 » Sat Jun 24, 2017 11:45 pm

Katie Couric, Charlie Gibson, Brian Williams and a tough old U.S. Marine Sergeant were captured by terrorists in Iraq . The leader of the terrorists told them he'd grant each of them one last request before they were beheaded and dragged naked through the streets.


Katie Couric said, 'Well, I'm a Southerner, so I'd like one last plate of fried chicken.'


The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chicken. Couric ate it all and said, 'Now I can die content.'


Charlie Gibson said, 'I'm living in New York , so I'd like to hear the song, The Moon and Me, one last time.'

The terrorist leader nodded to another terrorist who had studied the Western world and knew the music. He returned with some rag-tag musicians and played the song.


Gibson was satisfied.


Brian Williams said, 'I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe, someday, someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end.'

The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and Williams dictated his comments.


He then said, 'Now I can die happy.'


The leader turned and asked, 'And now, Mr.. U..S. Marine, what is your final wish?'


'Kick me in the a$$,' said the Marine.


'What?' asked the leader, 'Will you mock us in your last hour?'


'No, I'm NOT kidding. I want you to kick me in the a$$,' insisted the Marine.


So the leader shoved him into the yard and kicked him in the a$$.

The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from inside his cammies and shot the leader dead.

In the resulting confusion, he emptied his sidearm on six terrorists, then with his knife he slashed the throat of one, and with an AK-47, which he took from them, sprayed the rest of the terrorists, killing another 11.

In a flash, all of them were either dead or fleeing for their lives.

As the Marine was untying Couric, Gibson, and Williams, they asked him, 'Why didn't you just shoot them all in the first place? Why did you ask him to kick your a$$?'

'What?' replied the Marine, 'and have you three a$$holes report that I was the aggressor.....


Semper Fi!
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Re: Daily Joke

Postby OwnedByTheCow » Sun Jul 16, 2017 9:04 pm

A couple of years ago, one night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the porch out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let' just say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries.

Joseph had gotten big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye. He was walking around with one of those cotton pads on his eye for a couple of months. Then suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend

Apparently they'd bonded during the time after his injuries, and eloped together , left me behind without as much as a note. I tried to track them down, but never could.

In conclusion, if it hadn't been for cotton eye Joe, I'd have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe?
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Re: Daily Joke

Postby slick4591 » Sun Jul 16, 2017 9:35 pm

:lol2:
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Re: Daily Joke

Postby Rafter S » Sun Jul 16, 2017 10:08 pm

Nice. I'm a little surprised, and very pleased, that someone as young as you are knows about "Cotton Eyed Joe".
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Re: Daily Joke

Postby TexasBred » Tue Jul 18, 2017 3:59 pm

Dear Sir,

I have a very complicated benefits question. Many years ago, I married a widow out of love who had an 18 year old daughter.

After the wedding, my father, a widower, came to visit a number of times, and he fell in love with my step daughter.

My father eventually married her without my authorization. As a result my step-daughter became my step mother and my father became my son in law.

My father's wife (also my step daughter) and my step-mother, gave birth to a son who is my grandchild because I am the husband of my step daughter's mother.

This boy is also my brother, as the son of my father. As you can see, my wife became a grandmother, because she is the mother of my father's wife.

Therefore, it appears that I am also my wife's grandchild.

A short time after these events, my wife gave birth to a son, who became my father's brother-in-law, the step-son of my father's wife, and my uncle.

My son is also my step mother’s brother, and through my step-mother, my wife has become a grandmother and I have become my own grandfather.

In light of the above mentioned, I would like to know the following:

Does my son, who is also my uncle, my father's son-in-law and my step mother's brother fulfil the requirements for receiving childcare benefits?

Sincerely yours,

Mohammad
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Re: Daily Joke

Postby bbirder » Thu Jul 20, 2017 11:33 am

Ear Infection




This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's

office why you are there, and you have to answer

in front of others what's wrong and sometimes

it is embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's

Receptionist who insists you tell her what

is wrong with you in a room full of other

patients.

I know most of us have experienced

this, and I love the way this old guy

handled it.

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded

waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are

you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my pecker',

he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and

said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded

waiting room and say things like that.'

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong

and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've

caused some embarrassment in this

room full of people. You should have

said there is something wrong with your

ear or something, and discussed the

problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people

questions in a roomful of strangers, if

the answer could embarrass anyone.

The man walked out, waited several

minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and

asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,'

he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly

and smiled, knowing he had taken

her advice.. 'And what is wrong with

your ear, Sir?'

'I can't pee out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter...


Mess with seniors and you're going to Lose
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Re: Daily Joke

Postby Nesikep » Thu Jul 20, 2017 2:24 pm

TexasBred wrote:Dear Sir,

I have a very complicated benefits question. Many years ago, I married a widow out of love who had an 18 year old daughter.

After the wedding, my father, a widower, came to visit a number of times, and he fell in love with my step daughter.

My father eventually married her without my authorization. As a result my step-daughter became my step mother and my father became my son in law.

My father's wife (also my step daughter) and my step-mother, gave birth to a son who is my grandchild because I am the husband of my step daughter's mother.

This boy is also my brother, as the son of my father. As you can see, my wife became a grandmother, because she is the mother of my father's wife.

Therefore, it appears that I am also my wife's grandchild.

A short time after these events, my wife gave birth to a son, who became my father's brother-in-law, the step-son of my father's wife, and my uncle.

My son is also my step mother’s brother, and through my step-mother, my wife has become a grandmother and I have become my own grandfather.

In light of the above mentioned, I would like to know the following:

Does my son, who is also my uncle, my father's son-in-law and my step mother's brother fulfil the requirements for receiving childcare benefits?

Sincerely yours,

Mohammad

No, Not Mohammad at all.. More like Ray Stevens, Willie Nelson, David Grisman, or anyone else

Comes from a famous country song!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7AvG6q_iTcA
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Cross-7
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Re: Daily Joke

Postby Cross-7 » Thu Jul 20, 2017 4:06 pm

Nesikep wrote:
TexasBred wrote:Dear Sir,

I have a very complicated benefits question. Many years ago, I married a widow out of love who had an 18 year old daughter.

After the wedding, my father, a widower, came to visit a number of times, and he fell in love with my step daughter.

My father eventually married her without my authorization. As a result my step-daughter became my step mother and my father became my son in law.

My father's wife (also my step daughter) and my step-mother, gave birth to a son who is my grandchild because I am the husband of my step daughter's mother.

This boy is also my brother, as the son of my father. As you can see, my wife became a grandmother, because she is the mother of my father's wife.

Therefore, it appears that I am also my wife's grandchild.

A short time after these events, my wife gave birth to a son, who became my father's brother-in-law, the step-son of my father's wife, and my uncle.

My son is also my step mother’s brother, and through my step-mother, my wife has become a grandmother and I have become my own grandfather.

In light of the above mentioned, I would like to know the following:

Does my son, who is also my uncle, my father's son-in-law and my step mother's brother fulfil the requirements for receiving childcare benefits?

Sincerely yours,

Mohammad

No, Not Mohammad at all.. More like Ray Stevens, Willie Nelson, David Grisman, or anyone else

Comes from a famous country song!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7AvG6q_iTcA



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TexasBred
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Re: Daily Joke

Postby TexasBred » Thu Jul 20, 2017 4:09 pm

Nesikep wrote:
TexasBred wrote:Dear Sir,

I have a very complicated benefits question. Many years ago, I married a widow out of love who had an 18 year old daughter.

After the wedding, my father, a widower, came to visit a number of times, and he fell in love with my step daughter.

My father eventually married her without my authorization. As a result my step-daughter became my step mother and my father became my son in law.

My father's wife (also my step daughter) and my step-mother, gave birth to a son who is my grandchild because I am the husband of my step daughter's mother.

This boy is also my brother, as the son of my father. As you can see, my wife became a grandmother, because she is the mother of my father's wife.

Therefore, it appears that I am also my wife's grandchild.

A short time after these events, my wife gave birth to a son, who became my father's brother-in-law, the step-son of my father's wife, and my uncle.

My son is also my step mother’s brother, and through my step-mother, my wife has become a grandmother and I have become my own grandfather.

In light of the above mentioned, I would like to know the following:

Does my son, who is also my uncle, my father's son-in-law and my step mother's brother fulfil the requirements for receiving childcare benefits?

Sincerely yours,

Mohammad

No, Not Mohammad at all.. More like Ray Stevens, Willie Nelson, David Grisman, or anyone else

Comes from a famous country song!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7AvG6q_iTcA



Ahh he// credit whoever you prefer. I used Mohammed as that's how I received it and in the form of a joke, not a song. How famous it was I have no idea. Sounds pretty corny to me.
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A dung beetle walks into a bar, looks around and says "Is this stool taken"????

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Re: Daily Joke

Postby OwnedByTheCow » Thu Jul 27, 2017 7:04 pm

Adoption

A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency where social workers raise doubts about their suitability.

The couple produces photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean, well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.

The social workers raise concerns about the education the child would receive while in the couple's care.

"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects, along with French, Mandarin & computing skills.”

Then the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment.

"The child will be surrounded by family, but we’ve also retained a nanny who’s a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare and diet.”

The social workers are finally satisfied and ask, "What age child are you ideally hoping to adopt?”

"Doesn't really matter, as long as the kid fits in the cannon."
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An eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind.
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