Daily Joke

A friendly place for chat, rumors, gossip and jokes.
Kingfisher
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Re: Daily Joke

Postby Kingfisher » Sat Aug 05, 2017 9:13 am

A delightful angelic little boy was waiting for his mother outside the ladies room of the gas station.
As he stood there, he was approached by a man who asked,
"Sonny, can you tell me where the Post Office is?"
The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street two blocks and turn to your right. It's on the left."
The man thanked the boy kindly, complimented him on how bright he was and said, "I'm the new pastor in town. If you and your mommy come to church on Sunday,
I'll show you how to get to Heaven."
The little boy replied with a chuckle; "You're kidding me, right?
You can't even find the Post Office."
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Chuckie
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Re: Daily Joke

Postby Chuckie » Fri Aug 11, 2017 8:05 pm

Image
0 x
There are three kinds of service:
Good - Cheap - Fast
Good service Cheap won't be Fast
Good service Fast that won't be Cheap
Fast service Cheap won't be Good

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Re: Daily Joke

Postby greybeard » Fri Aug 11, 2017 10:28 pm

A Mexican, an Arab,

and a Michigan girl are

in the same bar.

When the Mexican

finishes his beer,

he throws his glass

in the air, pulls out

his pistol, and shoots

the glass to pieces.

He says, 'In Mexico ,

our glasses are so

cheap we don't need

to drink with the same one twice.'

The Arab, obviously

impressed by this,

drinks non-alcohol beer

(cuz he's a muslim!),

throws it into the

air, pulls out his

AK-47, and shoots

the glass to pieces.

He says, 'In the

Arab World, we have

so much sand to make

glasses that we don't

need to drink with

the same one twice either.'

The Michigan girl,

cool as a cucumber,

picks up her beer,

downs it in one gulp,

throws the glass into

the air, whips out her

45, and shoots the

Mexican and the Arab.

Catching her glass,

setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill,

she says,

'In Michigan ,

we have so many

illegal aliens that

we don't have to

drink with the same ones twice.'
0 x
"For evil to flourish, all that is required is for good men to do nothing" Burke

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slick4591
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Re: Daily Joke

Postby slick4591 » Sat Aug 12, 2017 8:16 am

Two guys were in court on drug related charges.

The judge asked both to stand before him and each took their place. The judge was reading the police report and said to each “Well, it appears you two are on the line. You each had enough drugs on you to send to prison, but since this is your first offense I am able to give you a second chance.”

"I want each of you to spend the next thirty days among the public convincing your drug using friends to not use them, then report back to me on the 15th of next month on how well you did.”

The 15th came back around and both guys were sitting in the gallery awaiting the judge. The judge entered and took the bench. “He immediately saw the two guys and ordered them to stand before him.

He asked the first guy how well he did. The guy said, “Well, judge, I’m afraid I didn’t do very well. “How so” asked the judge. “Well, your honor, I had watched a commercial that showed a raw egg saying this is your brain before drugs. Then, they showed the egg being fried and said that was your brain while you’re on drugs. I figured if it was on TV it must work, but none of my friends bought it and they just laughed at me.”

The judge asked the second guy about his results. He said, “Well, sir, I had seen that same commercial and I kind of laughed at it too, but it put a thought in my head. I got a dozen of my drug using friends together and started telling them the evils of drugs. My sister is an artist so I borrowed her easel. First, I drew a small ”o” and told them this was their a$$hole before prison. Then I drew a large “O” saying this would be it after prison. I’m glad to report all twelve are now drug free.”
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"If the mountain were smooth you couldn't climb it." ~ unknown

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RanchMan90
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Re: Daily Joke

Postby RanchMan90 » Mon Aug 14, 2017 2:39 pm

1 x
The secret to getting ahead is getting started ~ Mark Twain

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bbirder
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Re: Daily Joke

Postby bbirder » Sat Aug 19, 2017 12:54 pm

Navy Chief goes fishing

Received this from an Old Salt:

As a Navy veteran, I am absolutely convinced that the most clever, cunning and yet practical "can do" people in the military are Navy CPO’s. If you needed something or needed to know something, just “Ask the chief”.


The rain had stopped and there was a big puddle in front of the bar
just outside the
American Legion Post.

A rumpled old Navy Chief was standing near the edge with a fishing line in the puddle.

A curious young Marine fighter pilot came over to him and asked what he was doing.

"Fishing," the old Chief simply said.

"Poor old chief," the Marine officer thought to himself and
invited the old Navy Chief into the bar for a drink.

As he felt he should start a conversation while they were sipping their spirits,
the young jet pilot winked at another pilot and asked the Chief,
"How many have you caught today?"

"You're number 14," the old Chief answered,
taking another sip from his double shot of 12-year-old Scotch,
"2 Air Force, 3 Navy and 9 Marines.”
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"A good climbing rope will last you 3 to 5 years. A bad climbing rope will last you a lifetime."

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Re: Daily Joke

Postby TexasBred » Wed Aug 23, 2017 11:06 am

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous Erudite (comic) scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."
His mind sees things differently than most of us do. . . here are some of his gems:

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ...... But she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good.

20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.

25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.


And the all-time favorite -

35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
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“If it were up to me, I would put in jail every sandal-wearing, scruffy-bearded weirdo who burns the American flag.....“But I am not king.”....Supreme Court Justice Scalia

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Craig Miller
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Re: Daily Joke

Postby Craig Miller » Fri Sep 08, 2017 9:43 am

I was sitting a long red light the other day, thinking about the week I'd had and minding my own business and patiently waiting on the light to change even though there wasn't any traffic coming from the other direction. An old Nissan full of bearded, loud, young Muslims pulled up beside me shouting anti American slogans with a half burned American flag duct taped to the back and a remember 911 spray painted on the side screeched to a stop beside me.
Suddenly they started screaming Allah akbar and death to America and sped off before the light changed. When out of nowhere an 18 wheeler came through the intersection and ran over them and killed them all.
I sat there for a few minutes frozen thinking "that could have been me". So this morning, bright and early, i went out and got me a job as a truck driver.
5 x

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Re: Daily Joke

Postby slick4591 » Tue Sep 12, 2017 7:59 pm

Senior Sex

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having
sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

"Fifty years ago that wasn't a hot fence."
1 x
"If the mountain were smooth you couldn't climb it." ~ unknown

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Nesikep
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Re: Daily Joke

Postby Nesikep » Tue Sep 12, 2017 11:37 pm

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next:

"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher..

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath.

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "I made $2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip and Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample."

They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog crap!"

Then I would say,"It is dog crap. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

"I used the government's approach of giving you something crappy for free, and then making you pay to get the taste out of your mouth."
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The only possible end result of treating all animals like people is that all people will be treated like animals

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Son of Butch
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Re: Daily Joke

Postby Son of Butch » Sat Sep 16, 2017 9:51 pm

Girl explaining mixed emotions about her jr college boyfriend.

Finding a boyfriend in junior college is kind of like finding an unopened bag of Doritos on the floor by a garbage can.
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slick4591
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Re: Daily Joke

Postby slick4591 » Sat Sep 30, 2017 8:12 am

El Dorado, Arkansas (AP Wire): THIS IS UNHEARD OF! - A seven-year old boy was at the center of a Union County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents. The boy cried and said that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Arkansas Razorbacks, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
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"If the mountain were smooth you couldn't climb it." ~ unknown

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slick4591
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Re: Daily Joke

Postby slick4591 » Sat Oct 07, 2017 8:03 am

CAN THE ADMINS OF THIS PAGE DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED ON THIS PAGE? WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER. AN ELDERLY WOMAN. SHE HAS BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEN ON THIS PAGE. SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN GROTESQUE POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER GROWN OVER LADY GARDEN. SHE IS OFFERING AN IPHONE 7+ IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BY THIS BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE A DAMM IPHONE 5S AND OBVIOUSLY SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH IT BECAUSE IT'S SUPER SLOW AND THE CAPS LOCK IS STUCK ON.
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"If the mountain were smooth you couldn't climb it." ~ unknown

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slick4591
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Re: Daily Joke

Postby slick4591 » Sat Oct 14, 2017 11:31 am

A Southern horror story.

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"If the mountain were smooth you couldn't climb it." ~ unknown

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slick4591
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Re: Daily Joke

Postby slick4591 » Sat Oct 14, 2017 7:25 pm

Breaking News: The NFL announced today that because of lost revenue due to kneeling, an NFL Team had to be cut. Tampa Bay and the Green Bay Packers will be combining forming the Tampacks. They will be good for only one period and will have no second string...
3 x
"If the mountain were smooth you couldn't climb it." ~ unknown


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