Daily Joke

A friendly place for chat, rumors, gossip and jokes.
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Nesikep
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Re: Daily Joke

Postby Nesikep » Wed Jan 17, 2018 12:55 pm

On a recent trip to Petsmart, I overheard a lady telling an employee that her ball of fluff was chewing electrical cords and she needed something to deter her from that behavior. A very nice employee walks her over to where the no chew sprays were and points out that the only one she has any experience with is Bitter Apple and it worked well.

You would think that would be the end of it, but no, crazy be nice crap is constantly happening to me. The employee walked away and it was just me and another customer and this loon on the aisle.

Out of the corner of my eye I see her remove the clear cap and I thought....oh yes, that is right take a whiff, idiot. I was ready for a chuckle, but it was sooooo much better. Thankfully I am well aware of the caliber of idiot you can run into, so I moved well out of the splash zone, just in case. I watched as this woman spritzed Bitter Apple onto her wrist like perfume. Not sure what her thought process was at that point but apparently whatever she was trying to do only required 3 sprays of this noxious blend. Then I watch in utter horror as she casually licked her freshly sprayed arm. Yeah you read that right. This person who somehow survived into adulthood just sprayed herself with a product called BITTER Apple and then licked it....in the middle of the store.

Now....if you have never used Bitter Apple you may not appreciate the utter desperation for relief this woman was about to experience. There are warnings on the package about making sure you are not downwind when you spray this stuff. Unless you enjoy a light macing that is. This stuff is no joke.

This woman starts gagging, drooling, and her eyes are watering. She starts fumbling through her purse and pulls out a half consumed bottle of "Smart Water", the irony was not lost on me, don't worry. So there she is alternating between swishing her Smart Water and desperately scrubbing her arm with tiny, individually wrapped wet wipes. Then like it was happening in slow motion, I watch as she takes the wet wipe she had been wiping her arm with, yes, the wet wipe covered in Bitter Apple, she takes that wet wipe and WIPED HER TONGUE. Our eyes met in that moment when she realized she had made another awful mistake. The gagging and desperate water swishing began anew. I grabbed a handful of paper towels from the doggy clean up station nearby and handed them to her. By this time the other customer is pulling her phone out and offering to call 911 bc she thinks this is some sort of medical emergency. We stop her and I send her to get more water.

Once this moron can talk again she is ranting and raving about how horrid that tasted and how no product for dogs should be that terrible. I tried so hard to let it go. I did so good until she wailed that it tasted nothing like apples. This is the conversation that followed:

Me: You do realize that it is supposed to taste vile so the dog will not chew whatever you spray it on right?

Idiot: Yeah, but there is no need for it to burn the dogs eyes and lungs. That stuff is dangerous.

Me: Well, I doubt they expected anyone would spray themself and lick it in the middle of the store.

Idiot: I do not subject my dog to anything I do not try first.

Me: You better go home then and chew on the electrical cords until you get zapped and see which you prefer being subjected to, a bad taste in your mouth and watery eyes or electrocution.

Customer 2 is giggling at this point. I get a death stare from the moron and she shouted as she stormed out that she felt sorry for my dogs bc I didn't test things on myself first. I kind of hope this crazy plans to get her dog spayed and that she goes in for a hysterectomy herself first to see how it feels first, bc she has no business reproducing.
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Son of Butch
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Re: Daily Joke

Postby Son of Butch » Mon Jan 29, 2018 3:23 pm

I wanted to buy an automobile, my wife wanted a fur coat. We compromised, she keeps the coat in the garage.

She found a furrier that produces his own furs by crossing mink with a gorilla.
Beautiful fur just beautiful, but the sleeves are too long.

We've been married 42 years, I'm always asked Henny how do you two do it.
Our secret is weekly romantic candle lit dinners.
She goes on Tuesdays and I go on Fridays.
-Henny Youngman-
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Re: Daily Joke

Postby Rafter S » Mon Jan 29, 2018 3:45 pm

I remember seeing Henny Youngman on TV years ago. He said "My wife always closes her eyes when I kiss her." Of course someone asked him why and he replied "She just hates to see me having a good time."
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"I spent half my money on wine, women, and song.....and like a fool I squandered the rest." - Benny Hill

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Son of Butch
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Re: Daily Joke

Postby Son of Butch » Thu Feb 01, 2018 1:40 am

Tuesday at Media Day in Mpls. during Super Bowl week. Asked of Coach Bill Belichick... coach, coach

"Why did the coach go to the bank?"
Belichick just stared back at the questioner.
"To get his quarter back."

That was the closet I've ever seen Belichick come to smiling!
The corner of Belichick's lip actually started to go up and he replied. "You should be a comedian."
1 x

S&J
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Re: Daily Joke

Postby S&J » Sun Feb 04, 2018 7:10 pm

So one night my wife turned to me and asked, "Have you been listening to anything I've been saying?"
I thought, Wow, that's an interesting way to start a conversation."
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Re: Daily Joke

Postby msplmtneer » Sun Feb 04, 2018 7:38 pm

Nancy Pelosi brought a civil suit against a hospital in California, said after her husband had surgery he no longer had any interest in sex. A hospital spokesperson said the surgery was for cataracts all they done was improve his vision! :bang: :hide: :tiphat:
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Re: Daily Joke

Postby OwnedByTheCow » Wed Feb 07, 2018 3:42 pm

So a friend of mine called and asked me if I could loan him $500 to help him pay his rent. And you know me always willing to help my friends and family out... I told him..."give me a minute let me check my money situation then I'll call u right back." Before I could check my account his sister calls and says, "Don’t give him any money because he’s lying.” His sister proceeds to tell me that he wants to use the $500 to get his girlfriend out of jail because he wants to be under the same roof with her for his birthday! So I thought about it for a minute, and decided to go ahead and give him the $500 because we all need help at times. So I called him back and said, "I got you." A couple hours later, I got a call from the Titus County Jail, it was him. I say hello and he starts screaming, asking, “Why did you give me counterfeit money?!" I replied: " so you and your girlfriend would be under the same roof for your birthday!!!"
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Be decisive, wether right or wrong.
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Re: Daily Joke

Postby MRRherefords » Wed Feb 07, 2018 9:55 pm

A man and his wife are shopping at the grocery store. The man goes to pick up a 24 pack of beer. His wife says what are you doing? He says the beer is on special 24 cans for $10. His wife says we do not have $10 to spend and she made him put it back. A few mins later his wife picks up a new facial cream. He asks her what she is doing. She says I need this. It will make me look beautiful. It is inly $20. The man says "I could have done that in half the price back in the other aisle.

He can be picked up at aisle 5.
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Re: Daily Joke

Postby OwnedByTheCow » Sat Feb 10, 2018 11:07 am

SERIOUS INQUIRIES ONLY!!!!

Anyone available to go with me out of town.... Going to Vegas for work...FREE flight and your own hotel room. $1000 in spending money. I just don't wanna go by myself....You have to be available to stay the whole weekend, The dates are... Feb 29th-31st
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Be decisive, wether right or wrong.
The road of life is paved with many flat squirrels who couldn't make a decision.

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Re: Daily Joke

Postby D2Cat » Mon Feb 12, 2018 11:53 pm

Two nicely dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the Los Angeles Airport. The first lady was an arrogant California woman married to a wealthy man. The second was a well-mannered, elderly woman from the South.

When the conversation centered on whether they had any children, the California woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."

The lady from the South commented, "Well, bless your heart."

The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz."

Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, bless your heart."

The first woman continued, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."

Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, bless your heart."

The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"

"My husband sent me to Charm School," declared the Southern lady.

"Charm School?" the first woman said, amazed. "Oh, my God! What on earth for?"

The Southern lady responded, "Well for example, instead of saying, 'Who gives a be nice?' I learned to say, 'Well, bless your heart'!"
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Nesikep
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Re: Daily Joke

Postby Nesikep » Tue Feb 13, 2018 1:44 am

OwnedByTheCow wrote:SERIOUS INQUIRIES ONLY!!!!

Anyone available to go with me out of town.... Going to Vegas for work...FREE flight and your own hotel room. $1000 in spending money. I just don't wanna go by myself....You have to be available to stay the whole weekend, The dates are... Feb 29th-31st

what a coincidence, the only days I have off every year!
1 x
What can be asserted without evidence can be dismissed without evidence
-Christopher Hitchens

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Re: Daily Joke

Postby HDRider » Wed Feb 14, 2018 7:29 am

A man attended a bull fight. Watched the bull go down and afterwards at the nearby restaurant he noticed an interesting plate at the next table. So he asked the waiter what it was. Waiter told him it was the bulls testicles.

Naturally he wanted to try some but was told there was a limited supply each day according to the bull fights. Promptly he reserved a plate for the next day.

Upon setting down to dine the next day he noticed the serving was quite a bit smaller. When he questions the waiter about it he was told “ some days the bull wins”
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bball wrote: "The juice wasn't worth the squeeze."
Dun said, "You gotta be flexible. Do whatever you have to do for the best results within your limitations."

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Re: Daily Joke

Postby D2Cat » Wed Feb 14, 2018 9:23 am

In Honor of Valentine's Day....

A group of 12 women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving
relationship with their husbands. The women were asked, "How many of
you love your husband?" All the women raised their hand.
Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you
loved him?"
Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.
The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their
husband "I love you, sweetheart."

Next the women were instructed to exchange phones with another woman and
read aloud the text message they received in response to their message.


Below are 12 actual replies from their husbands. If you have been married
for quite a while, you understand that these replies are a sign of true
love.
Who else would reply in such a succinct and honest way?


1. Who the be nice is this?
2. Hey, mother of my children, are you sick or what?
3. Yeah, and I love you too. What's wrong?
4. What now? Did you wreck the car again?
5. I don't understand what you mean.
6. What the be nice did you do now?
7. Are you sure this is for me?
8. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
9. Am I dreaming?
10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.
12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she?
3 x

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Son of Butch
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Re: Daily Joke

Postby Son of Butch » Fri Feb 16, 2018 2:36 pm

I went to the dentist and she asked if I had insurance. Told her No, but I have $2... so she gave me Buck Teeth.
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Re: Daily Joke

Postby Bright Raven » Sat Feb 17, 2018 11:50 am

A preacher in Kentucky saw a drunk sitting by the side of the road. Preacher stopped and said, "When are you going to get off this road to heII and get on the road to heaven that I'm on?"

The drunk ask, "How long have you been on this road preacher?"

The Preacher sanctimoniously responded, "42 years!"

The Drunk replied, "And you have only made it to Mayslick. I believe you are lost!"
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