Have you Googled yourself lately? It sounds almost perverse doesn't it?
For those of you buckaroos who have been living in a line shack out in Nevada somewhere, Google is an Internet search engine that indexes anything and everybody. For instance, if you Google the words “mad cow” you will be shown a list of articles based on mad cow in the order of their relevancy. Type in the words “Lee has a peanut brain” and you will be directed to MY web site. Why? I have no idea. Surely there must be other Lees in this world with a bigger peanut brain than me!
The baby-billionaire brains at Google don't seem to like me very much. I thought my computer malfunctioned so instead of typing “Lee has a peanut brain” I typed, “Pitts is an idiot.” I'm glad to report I was not the top selection. But I still made the top ten.
Google has supposedly made available the sum of all human knowledge for anyone with web access, but sometimes I question their accuracy. When I asked Google to look up everything on Lee Pitts it came up with a web site that said I am “smooth, intelligent and handsome.” So you know right away there's something wrong. Right?
Google's first listing for Lee Pitts also said that he was a Miami Herald columnist, a bank president, host of a radio show and a swimming instructor. In reality I am a columnist for the Bonesteel Enterprise, I owe money to a bank, the only time I was on a radio was when I sat on one and as for swimming, I would drown in six inches of water. It also said that I was listed in Who's Who of African American history.
To clear up any confusion, the closest I have come to being an African American was when I was in grade school and my classmates were bragging about all their famous relatives. This presented a real problem for me because my only famous relative is John Wesley Hardin, the notorious gunslinger. So I lied and told everyone that Elijah Pitts, a star football player for the Green Bay Packers at the time, was my dear uncle. Only when we got color TV did I find out that Elijah was African American.
I also discovered from Google that I was an embedded reporter in Iraq with the Chattanooga Times who got in a verbal battle with Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld, which probably explains why I'm getting audited this year. I am also a Bassmaster Angler from Alabama who has caught several fish in excess of twenty pounds and has won $40,455 in fishing contests. Google also said I had competed in 84 fishing competitions since 1999. I assure you that my wife has not let me out of the house 84 times since 1999 and if I had caught a twenty pound fish you would have heard about it by now. Also, if I could make 40 grand fishing do you think I'd still be working for a living?
Google gave me a multiple personality disorder because Lee Pitts is also a Southern Baptist preacher and a muffler specialist who also runs the Lee Pitts Institution of Marriage and the Pitts Theology Library. According to Google my best writing was a piece called “Secure Payload Access to the International Space Station.”
To find out what else I am I went to Wikipedia, the Internet Encyclopedia, to find out what they had to say about Lee Pitts. According to them I am on a list of people pardoned by President Bill Clinton and I am also mentioned in an article about sexual objectification, whatever that is. Maybe that's what Clinton pardoned me for.
Here's something scary. Go to Google and type in your phone number and your address will pop up. Not only that but Google gives you a map to your house and a satellite view of it. In other words, some irate customer from the Marriage Institute could get mad at the wrong Lee Pitts, come to my house and put a mega-hurt on me!
If all this doesn't make you shake in your shorts go to zillow.com and type in anyone's address and it will tell you the value of their home. I must admit, that African-American bank president sure has a nicer place than this peanut brain.