Cattle Today

Cattle Today



by: Lee Pitts

I don't care what religion you are, or even if you are an atheist, I don't think a better set of rules than the Ten Commandments has ever been written. But leave it to our society to bend, rewrite, revise and amend these rules to fit our current lifestyle.

1. Thou shalt not worship any other God.

(1a) Except for the almighty Greenback,

(1b) and Donald Trump, LeBron, Snoop Dog, Paris Hilton, etc... etc... etc.

2. Thou shalt not take idols.

(2a) Unless they are an American Idol,

(2b) or a professional athlete.

3. Thou shalt not misuse the name of God.

(3a) Unless cussing on the radio or in the movies improves your ratings.

4. Thou shalt keep the sabbath holy.

(4a) By watching NFL games and NASCAR races on TV all day Sunday,

(4b) by making sure the poker game is over by midnight,

(4c) and by tithing 10 percent of your winning horse racing bets to the state lottery.

5. Thou shalt not commit adultery.

(5a) unless you are pretty sure your spouse is doing it too and no one will ever find out,

(5b) or you meet someone in a bar 250 miles from home and are really lonely,

(5c) and except, of course, if she's really hot.

6. Thou shalt not lie.

(6a) Exemptions include a politician desiring to get reelected, a lazy journalist on a tight deadline, an over-the-hill Hollywood movie star looking to reclaim some shred of fame by supporting PETA, a Madison Avenue marketing firm trying to sell something, or an accountant selling tax avoidance schemes.

(6b) It is also okay to lie if you haven't had a date in five years, are terribly ugly and go on an Internet dating service and describe yourself as being drop-dead beautiful. Which is what your date will do if you ever meet in person: drop dead.

7. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house, wife, nor his ox or anything that is thy neighbors.

(7a) It is all right however to borrow your neighbors stuff and never return it.

(7b) The Nature Conservancy and developers who covet thy neighbors land are exempt from this law. In cahoots with the federal government, they can simply steal or devalue the land they covet. Or else just take it using eminent domain.

(7c) The government is also exempt from coveting your ox so long as they are destroying private property rights and bankrupting entire industries on behalf of red headed woodpeckers, three toed frogs, spotted owls and fairy shrimp.

8. Thou shalt not steal.

(8a) unless you are a Fortune 500 CEO with expiring stock options.

9. Thou shalt honor thy father and mother.

(9a) By getting a tattoo while in prison that says “Mom” on your chest,

(9b) by getting a tongue stud and a Mohawk hair cut that is colored purple,

(9c) and assuming you even know who, or where, they are.

10. Thou shalt not kill.

(10a) unless you are a high profile athlete or a movie star with a really good team of defense lawyers who can get you off by reason of celebrity,

(10b) or you are a terrorist killing for religious purposes.


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