How do you...

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boondocks
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Re: How do you...

Post by boondocks » Mon Feb 11, 2019 6:58 pm

alisonb wrote:
Mon Feb 11, 2019 9:29 am
You are asking a difficult question B, as you realise everyone is different and each will handle situations differently.

IMO keep busy, both physically & mentally, no matter how hard it may be. There is a great possibility that you will lose interest in everything(not just the cows)that previously brought you joy. Perhaps set yourselves(you & hubby)a mourning period which you dedicate to your son. Plant a tree, dig his ashes in the ground, paint him, cry, make meals that he enjoyed, share memories of him with friends & family, cry, feel etc. Make no major decisions right now, the cows may just be what you need in the months ahead...

I'm so glad you are engaging and talking about your feelings and your very sad loss...
Thank you Alison and everyone. I have decided to just be open and honest about what this is like, and how very very (insert strongest curse word you know) hard it is. I think that is the only hope of getting through it. Thank you all for all of the kind thoughts.



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Re: How do you...

Post by Coosh71 » Mon Feb 11, 2019 9:26 pm

Boondocks, again I'm very sorry for your loss. As a young man (28) my wife was diagnosed with breast cancer. We had 2 children (one of which was 1 1/2). She passed after a long battle. The morning after her passing after waking up before the kids, I had to sit in the floor with them and tell them that mom was gone. I tear up now telling you this even now. She's been gone a while now and I still miss the be nice out of her. But that morning I told the kids that we were gonna take the week off from work and school... But then come Monday we have to get back to living and that death is apart of life etc. I know it isn't the same, but it holds some truth. We have to have faith, slowly pick ourselves up and figure out how to live on and try to find a positive down the road In it all. And I can say this for sure... We will all be here when you need to vent or talk. I could have sure used this forum back then.

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Re: How do you...

Post by Dave » Mon Feb 11, 2019 9:47 pm

There is a program titled Grief Share. I attended the first session at the request of a friend who had lost a loved one and asked me to go along for moral support. I had another friend who experienced terrible loss who went through it. He ended up leading the program for other people. I don't remember too much of the one session I went to other than it is a video series and that all people grief differently. I think it is mainly run through churches although not limited to a single denomination. It certainly becomes a support group that someone else mentioned. I do know it helped my two friends who went through the program.

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Re: How do you...

Post by boondocks » Wed Feb 13, 2019 6:08 pm

Coosh71 wrote:
Mon Feb 11, 2019 9:26 pm
Boondocks, again I'm very sorry for your loss. As a young man (28) my wife was diagnosed with breast cancer. We had 2 children (one of which was 1 1/2). She passed after a long battle. The morning after her passing after waking up before the kids, I had to sit in the floor with them and tell them that mom was gone. I tear up now telling you this even now. She's been gone a while now and I still miss the be nice out of her. But that morning I told the kids that we were gonna take the week off from work and school... But then come Monday we have to get back to living and that death is apart of life etc. I know it isn't the same, but it holds some truth. We have to have faith, slowly pick ourselves up and figure out how to live on and try to find a positive down the road In it all. And I can say this for sure... We will all be here when you need to vent or talk. I could have sure used this forum back then.
I'm sure that was very tough, Coosh. SO sorry you lost your wife and the kids their mom. I have read that into every life a little rain must fall, but sometimes it is a deluge and you're not sure how to stay afloat....Keep thinking I'll pick up my phone and dial him and maybe he'll pick up. Your brain does funny things, especially maybe with a sudden loss...We do take some comfort in knowing it was almost instantaneous though. One tries to grab onto any small comfort....

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Re: How do you...

Post by Coosh71 » Wed Feb 13, 2019 9:29 pm

boondocks wrote:
Wed Feb 13, 2019 6:08 pm
Coosh71 wrote:
Mon Feb 11, 2019 9:26 pm
Boondocks, again I'm very sorry for your loss. As a young man (28) my wife was diagnosed with breast cancer. We had 2 children (one of which was 1 1/2). She passed after a long battle. The morning after her passing after waking up before the kids, I had to sit in the floor with them and tell them that mom was gone. I tear up now telling you this even now. She's been gone a while now and I still miss the be nice out of her. But that morning I told the kids that we were gonna take the week off from work and school... But then come Monday we have to get back to living and that death is apart of life etc. I know it isn't the same, but it holds some truth. We have to have faith, slowly pick ourselves up and figure out how to live on and try to find a positive down the road In it all. And I can say this for sure... We will all be here when you need to vent or talk. I could have sure used this forum back then.
I'm sure that was very tough, Coosh. SO sorry you lost your wife and the kids their mom. I have read that into every life a little rain must fall, but sometimes it is a deluge and you're not sure how to stay afloat....Keep thinking I'll pick up my phone and dial him and maybe he'll pick up. Your brain does funny things, especially maybe with a sudden loss...We do take some comfort in knowing it was almost instantaneous though. One tries to grab onto any small comfort....
No doubt it is tough. I can't imagine losing a child or grandchild. I have prayed so much for you to find some peace and understanding in all this. I know it's hard, but I do believe that God never gives us more than we can handle. He will help see you thru this if you let him.

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Re: How do you...

Post by bball » Sat Feb 16, 2019 9:56 pm

Boondocks,
The day I buried my first wife, I pulled into our long, gravel drive and stopped. Looked at the cows on the right hand side, the lightly, snow covered hayfield to the left. The feeling of futility and emptiness was indescribable. What had provided me with so much comfort and enjoyment was absolutely meaningless in that moment. I pondered on it for awhile and realized why. The cattle and farm were shared with my wife. We shared the joy together of owning cattle and had shared the work of building the farm together. In that moment, sitting at the end of the drive, those cattle that had provided so much joy, were now, merely an unpleasant reminder of my new reality. I sold the cattle and that farm in a months time. I moved to Indiana and went back to college for a degree in nursing. Basically, I broke every major recommendation "not to do" while adrift on the ocean of grief. I had to for a number of reasons. Everyone's journey is different.
You can always come back to cattle (I did after 2 years without them) and enjoy them again. I appreciate how pointless it seems in your current moment. One day at a time is the only way to navigate grief. Keep getting up each day, point your face directly into that brutal storm that grief provides, and keep marching forward, directly into it. You will come through it a changed person, but you were never going to be the same person you were before your loss. The only thing i can assure you of is that the intensity of the pain you feel today will eventually relent into a less intense ache over time. It will never leave you. The intense hurt you feel in this moment is directly proportionate to how strongly you loved. Grief is the cost of a love so strong.

Continue to write, journal, express your feelings and emotions. I walked. A LOT! I found relief in music. I found a board for young widow/ers. It helped to journey with fellow travellers. I continue to think of you daily.
Peace and respite.
No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted. -Aesop
Exercising compassion provides the most linear and fulfilling state of happiness.

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Re: How do you...

Post by Jeanne - Simme Valley » Sun Feb 17, 2019 10:59 am

Christina - sooo sorry for you & your husband's loss.
Most on here know I lost my husband, Ken, 6 years ago. He was my everything. Married 43 years, did everything together. We hunted & fished together. But, the cattle were our life. When he died, the cattle is what got me thru it. I "HAD" to get up & take care of them - day in and day out. Finally decided I could not do it alone and my nephew moved in with me.
But, now, I can tell everyone I am blessed to have had such a great person in my life.
One step at a time. If the cattle don't bring you the joy you need, you may decide to get rid of them. Right now, they are a lot of work - but - work is what you need.
Simme Valley of New York - http://www.SimmeValley.com
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we make a life by what we give."

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Re: How do you...

Post by boondocks » Mon Feb 18, 2019 7:01 pm

bball wrote:
Sat Feb 16, 2019 9:56 pm
Boondocks,
The day I buried my first wife, I pulled into our long, gravel drive and stopped. Looked at the cows on the right hand side, the lightly, snow covered hayfield to the left. The feeling of futility and emptiness was indescribable. What had provided me with so much comfort and enjoyment was absolutely meaningless in that moment. I pondered on it for awhile and realized why. The cattle and farm were shared with my wife. We shared the joy together of owning cattle and had shared the work of building the farm together. In that moment, sitting at the end of the drive, those cattle that had provided so much joy, were now, merely an unpleasant reminder of my new reality. I sold the cattle and that farm in a months time. I moved to Indiana and went back to college for a degree in nursing. Basically, I broke every major recommendation "not to do" while adrift on the ocean of grief. I had to for a number of reasons. Everyone's journey is different.
You can always come back to cattle (I did after 2 years without them) and enjoy them again. I appreciate how pointless it seems in your current moment. One day at a time is the only way to navigate grief. Keep getting up each day, point your face directly into that brutal storm that grief provides, and keep marching forward, directly into it. You will come through it a changed person, but you were never going to be the same person you were before your loss. The only thing i can assure you of is that the intensity of the pain you feel today will eventually relent into a less intense ache over time. It will never leave you. The intense hurt you feel in this moment is directly proportionate to how strongly you loved. Grief is the cost of a love so strong.

Continue to write, journal, express your feelings and emotions. I walked. A LOT! I found relief in music. I found a board for young widow/ers. It helped to journey with fellow travellers. I continue to think of you daily.
Peace and respite.
Thank you bball. You have accurately captured the immensity of the task. The bleak winter landscape as backdrop. It has howled and howled here since the day he died. Epic winds, snowstorms. Freezing rain at 18 degrees. (!)
My trusty old plow truck gave up the ghost in the middle of it all. Its heart seems broken too. My mind keeps thinking there must be a giant rewind button somewhere, so sudden was he gone. I take comfort in hearing that there will come a day when it is bearable.
We have his car here and it gives his dad comfort but it makes my mind think for just a splitsecond that he must be here somewhere. If it helps his dad I will try to let it stay but right now every little thing is raw. Did find out he had a newish girlfriend we had not heard of yet--guess he was keeping it from his nosy old folks

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Re: How do you...

Post by boondocks » Mon Feb 18, 2019 7:07 pm

Jeanne - Simme Valley wrote:
Sun Feb 17, 2019 10:59 am
Christina - sooo sorry for you & your husband's loss.
Most on here know I lost my husband, Ken, 6 years ago. He was my everything. Married 43 years, did everything together. We hunted & fished together. But, the cattle were our life. When he died, the cattle is what got me thru it. I "HAD" to get up & take care of them - day in and day out. Finally decided I could not do it alone and my nephew moved in with me.
But, now, I can tell everyone I am blessed to have had such a great person in my life.
One step at a time. If the cattle don't bring you the joy you need, you may decide to get rid of them. Right now, they are a lot of work - but - work is what you need.
Yes. We are keeping busy. We won't make any fast decisions, but the constant ice last winter and this winter has really got me thinking about the risks we take with our very steep terrain (plowing, feeding cows, haying).
I am sorry for the loss of your husband. I can tell from your posts that your nephew has brought you great joy. I am glad. I have a few nieces and nephews and I hope they will gather 'round us. Most live far away, unfortunately.

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