Daily Joke

A friendly place for chat, rumors, gossip and jokes.
S&J
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Re: Daily Joke

Postby S&J » Sun Feb 18, 2018 7:41 pm

You're probably wondering why my left eye is partially closed. Well what happened was this: Last night as my wife was finishing the dinner dishes, I was standing behind her.

All I said was, "Would you like to go out, girl?"

Without even turning around my wife said, "Oh yes, I'd love to." We had a wonderful evening and later, she thanked me for surprising her with a night out.

Everything was going along so perfectly until I said that I was actually talking to the dog.
1 x

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greybeard
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Re: Daily Joke

Postby greybeard » Mon Feb 19, 2018 10:07 am

While golfing, I took a quick turn to avoid hitting a chuck hole, and accidentally overturned my golf cart.

A very beautiful and attractive golfer, who lived right there on the edge of the golf course, heard the noise, came running out of her villa and shouted, "Are you okay?"

As I looked up I noticed she was wearing only a silky see-through bath robe which was partially open, revealing what appeared to be a VERY nice figure.

"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself out from under the twisted cart.

She said, "Please come with me to my villa so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head, then you can rest a while, and I'll help you upright the cart later."

"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!

"Oh, come on now," she insisted. " We need to see if you have any more scrapes and I’ll treat them if you do." Well, after all, she was really pretty, and very persuasive.

Being sort of shaken and weak, I finally agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

We walked to her place just 100 yards away, and after a couple of Scotch and waters and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset, so I'd better go now."

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, letting her robe fall even more open. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything happened, and by the way, where is she?"

I replied, "Still under the cart, I guess."
4 x
"For evil to flourish, all that is required is for good men to do nothing" Burke

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slick4591
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Re: Daily Joke

Postby slick4591 » Tue Feb 20, 2018 8:49 pm

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
2 x
I wish my brain could forget what my eyes have seen.

"If the mountain were smooth you couldn't climb it." ~ unknown

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HDRider
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Re: Daily Joke

Postby HDRider » Fri Feb 23, 2018 8:06 am

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the Best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, from New York , says, 'I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

The second, from Chicago , responds, 'Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.'

The third surgeon, from Dallas , says, 'No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: 'You know, I like construction workers...Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.'

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington , DC shut them all up when he observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine.. Plus, the head and the be nice are interchangeable.
3 x
bball wrote: "The juice wasn't worth the squeeze."
Dun said, "You gotta be flexible. Do whatever you have to do for the best results within your limitations."

ez14.
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Re: Daily Joke

Postby ez14. » Fri Feb 23, 2018 9:56 am

HDRider wrote:Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the Best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, from New York , says, 'I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

The second, from Chicago , responds, 'Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.'

The third surgeon, from Dallas , says, 'No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: 'You know, I like construction workers...Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.'

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington , DC shut them all up when he observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine.. Plus, the head and the be nice are interchangeable.
:clap:
0 x

KMURBAN
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Re: Daily Joke

Postby KMURBAN » Sat Feb 24, 2018 8:23 am

This guy moves to the country and wants to be a farmer, so he visits his neighbor and says I want to be a farmer what do I need ?
His neighbor says well first you need a cock. a cock he says ?
Ya you know a rooster to wake you up every morning to start work.
Neighbor says I've got a few, here you can have one.
So the man goes to the next neighbor and says I want to be a farmer, what do I need?
Neighbor says you must have a pullet. A pullet he replies?
Yes you know, a young hen so you can have eggs. She says I've got several, here you may have one. Thank you he replies.
So he goes to the next neighbor and says I want to be a farmer, what do I need ?
Well, all farmers need a azz , a azz he replies? Yes you know, a donkey to do the hard work for you. He says where can I find one one of thoes, the farmer replies, I've got one I can spare, but he's lazy and likes to lay down on the job, but all you have to do is scratch him behind the ear and he'll get up again. Great the guy says I'll take him.
So the guy is walking home and donkey decides to lay down, he doesn't know what to do, he has a chicken in each hand.
He sees a nice lady walking by and says, mam could you please hold my cock and pullet while I scratch my azz.
2 x

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Nesikep
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Re: Daily Joke

Postby Nesikep » Sun Feb 25, 2018 1:01 am

KMURBAN.. I heard a much filthier version of that joke about 35 years ago.. I think it's the first dirty joke I learned!



Justin Trudeau walks into a Bank to cash a cheque in front of me one day: As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning, Ma'am, could you please cash this cheque for me?”
Cashier: "It would be my pleasure to do that sir. Could you please show me your ID?"
Trudeau: "Truthfully, I didn't bring any "ID" with me as I didn't think there would be any reason, he says, I'm the leader of the Liberal Party, "I am the Prime minister of Canada....
Cashier: "Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks today because of all the impostors and forgers and requirements of the CIDC legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing your ID."
Trudeau: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."
Cashier: "I am sorry, Mr. Trudeau, but these are the rules and I must follow them."
Trudeau: I am urging you, please, cash this cheque."
Cashier: "Look Mr. Trudeau , here is an example of what we can do. One day, Mike Weir came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Mike Weir he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Mike weir and cashed his cheque for him.
Another time, Wayne Gretzky came in without ID. He pulled out his hockey stick and made a fabulous shot with a hockey puck it landed in an over turned trash can at the other end of the bank. With that shot we cashed his cheque.
So, Mr. Trudeau, what can you do to prove that it is really you, and only you?"
Trudeau stands there thinking, and thinking, and finally says, ummmm "Honestly, my mind is totally blank, I have absolutely no idea what to do, I don't have a clue." I really don't have a clue.
Cashier: Says, Ok thanks Will that be large or small bills, Mr Trudeau?"
3 x
What can be asserted without evidence can be dismissed without evidence
-Christopher Hitchens

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Nesikep
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Re: Daily Joke

Postby Nesikep » Sun Feb 25, 2018 2:40 am

LITTLE JOHNNY IS BACK:

The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”

Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”

The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”

Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.

Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”

The teacher sat down and cried.
3 x
What can be asserted without evidence can be dismissed without evidence
-Christopher Hitchens

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OwnedByTheCow
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Re: Daily Joke

Postby OwnedByTheCow » Sun Feb 25, 2018 12:17 pm

Don't read if you don't have a sense of humor

This farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell. The other farmer says, “Yep, I’ve got this great rooster, named Kenny. He’ll service every chicken you got, no problem.”

Well, Kenny the rooster costs $300.00 a lot of money, but the farmer decides he’d be worth it. So, he buys Kenny. The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barnyard, but first he gave the rooster a pep talk. “I want you to pace yourself now. You’ve got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I’ll need you to do a good job.! So, take your time and have some fun,” the farmer said, with a chuckle.!

Kenny seems to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house and Kenny takes off like a shot. WHAM! Kenny nails every hen in the hen house - three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked.

After that, the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen and, sure enough, Kenny is in there. Later, the farmer sees Kenny after a flock of geese down by the lake. Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Kenny out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.

The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won’t even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next morning to find Kenny on his back out in the middle of the yard, mouth open, tongue hanging out and both feet sticking straight up in the air. Buzzards are circling overhead.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, “Oh, Kenny, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you’ve done to yourself.”

Kenny opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, “Shhhh .. they’re getting closer.”
4 x
Be decisive, wether right or wrong.
The road of life is paved with many flat squirrels who couldn't make a decision.

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Nesikep
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Re: Daily Joke

Postby Nesikep » Thu Mar 01, 2018 1:29 am

HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL:

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in
left arm and repeat process.

3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear
paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap.
Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill inside end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12) Call fire brigade to retrieve the f------ cat from tree across
the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

13) Tie the little b**tard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak filet. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the
emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and remove pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15) Arrange for RSPCA to collect "mutant cat from be nice" and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL:

1) Wrap it in cheese.
1 x
What can be asserted without evidence can be dismissed without evidence
-Christopher Hitchens

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slick4591
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Re: Daily Joke

Postby slick4591 » Fri Mar 02, 2018 10:31 pm

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out, "Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"
Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."
Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."
So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"
"Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"
Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!
"Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."
So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"
Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"
Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling,
"Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"
To which Ma replies,"Hurts, don't it?!"
2 x
I wish my brain could forget what my eyes have seen.

"If the mountain were smooth you couldn't climb it." ~ unknown

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WORANCH
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Re: Daily Joke

Postby WORANCH » Mon Mar 05, 2018 9:45 pm

Image
0 x
"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who would not."
-- Thomas Jefferson

ez14.
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Re: Daily Joke

Postby ez14. » Mon Mar 05, 2018 9:47 pm

WORANCH wrote:Image

:lol:

I think that one is already on here a ways back
0 x

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Nesikep
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Re: Daily Joke

Postby Nesikep » Thu Mar 08, 2018 3:18 am

PETA
A few years ago, some folks from the PETA (People For Ethical Treatment of Animals) and the U.S. Forest Service were at a farm meeting presenting an alternative to West Virginia sheep producers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after several years of the farmers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predator, the animal rights folks had a "more humane" solution. What they proposed was for the coyotes to be captured alive, the males castrated and let loose again and the population would be controlled. All of the shepherds at the meeting thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes. Finally, an old man in the back stood up, tipped his hat back and said, "Son, I don't think you understand the problem. Those coyotes ain't screwin' our sheep......they're eatin' 'em."



Watermelon Patch
A small-town country farmer has a watermelon patch and upon inspection he discovers that some of the local kids have been helping themselves to his prized watermelons. The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit-eating situation. So he puts up a sign that reads: "WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS CYANIDE!" He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night without eating any of his melons. The farmer returns to the watermelon patch a week later to discover that none of the watermelons have been eaten, but finds another sign that reads: "NOW THERE ARE TWO!"
4 x
What can be asserted without evidence can be dismissed without evidence
-Christopher Hitchens

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Nesikep
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Re: Daily Joke

Postby Nesikep » Thu Mar 22, 2018 12:45 am

A trucker's wife sees 3 parrots for sale.
$170, $150 & $10.
She asks why the last parrot is so cheap.
The pet store owner said it used to live in a wh0re house.
The woman laughs & buys it.
She gets home the parrot says "Wow! A new wh0re house!"
The woman laughs...
When her 2 daughters come home, the parrot says "Dang!!! 2 new gals!''
They all laugh!
When her husband walks in door, the parrot says "Hi Joe! You found the new spot!"
And... that's how the fight started.
1 x
What can be asserted without evidence can be dismissed without evidence
-Christopher Hitchens


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