Daily Joke

A friendly place for chat, rumors, gossip and jokes.
wbvs58
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Re: Daily Joke

Postby wbvs58 » Tue Jul 24, 2018 6:26 pm

OwnedByTheCow wrote:I found my German Shepherd, Hondo, with the neighbor's pet rabbit in its mouth. The rabbit was dead, and I panicked.. I took the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house. I gave it a bath, blew dried its fur, and put it back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they would think it died of natural causes.

A few days later, the neighbor asked me, "Don, did you hear that Fluffy died?"

I said, "Um... no... what happened?"

The neighbor replied, "We found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him, someone had dug him up, gave him a bath, and put him back into the cage. There are some real sick people out there!"


Another one of your dirty jokes, OBC, very good.

Ken
1 x

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Rafter S
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Re: Daily Joke

Postby Rafter S » Mon Aug 06, 2018 10:48 am

A mature gentleman was at the health club when an attractive young woman walked by. He looked over at the trainer and asked "Which one of these machines should I use to impress that young lady?" The trainer looked at the old guy for a minute, then looked at the young lady, then looked at the machines, and finally looked back at the old guy and said "I'd recommend the ATM in the lobby."
5 x
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slick4591
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Re: Daily Joke

Postby slick4591 » Tue Aug 28, 2018 11:25 am

A truck driver lives a good long healthy life. After millions of miles on the road he dies and goes to heaven.

St Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates, and says you have been a good and faithful servant. You can have any kind of truck you want any accessory any Chrome just let me know. So the truck driver proceed still lay out his dream rig for st. Peter. Peter snaps his fingers and the rig appears before them.

St. Peter tell him that just down the road there's a truck stop and he should go there to wait for a load. So the driver drive down the road to the truck stop pulls into a huge parking lot he sees beautiful Riggs from the thirties to forties the fifties all the way up to modern day. They're all sitting there covered in dust none of them are moving. But there's a parking space right near the doorway. He Parks his rig and walks inside and there's a beautiful Buffet of every food he's ever enjoyed there's a TV room with big plush seats. He sits down in the chair and one of his favorite shows is on.

As he starts to watch the show he leans over to the driver next to him and says, "How come nobody is moving? There's no freight??"

The other driver looks at him and says, "They're still waiting for the first dispatcher to make it into heaven."
5 x
I wish my brain could forget what my eyes have seen.

"If the mountain were smooth you couldn't climb it." ~ unknown

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bbirder
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Re: Daily Joke

Postby bbirder » Thu Aug 30, 2018 6:58 pm

Perfect Bride

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce perfect children. With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.

In his search, he met a farmer who had three stunning daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them. The farmer simply replied, “They’re all looking to get married, so you came to the right place. Look them over and select the one you want.”

The man went on a date with the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man’s opinion. “Well,” said the man, ”She’s just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, but pigeon-toed.” The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls.

So the man went out with the second daughter. The next day, the farmer again asked how things went. “Well,” the man replied, “She’s just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed.” The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, “She’s perfect, just perfect! She’s the one I want to marry!” So they were wed right away.

Months later the baby was born. When the man visited nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the parents. “Well,” explained the farmer, “She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell, pregnant when you met her.”
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"A good climbing rope will last you 3 to 5 years. A bad climbing rope will last you a lifetime."

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sstterry
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Re: Daily Joke

Postby sstterry » Thu Aug 30, 2018 7:06 pm

So that is what happened with my kids ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
1 x

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bbirder
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Re: Daily Joke

Postby bbirder » Sun Sep 02, 2018 8:58 pm

Circle Fly

An old farmer was hauling a load of manure when he was stopped by a state trooper. "You were speeding," the cop said. "I'm going to have to give you a ticket." "Yep, " the farmer said as he watched the trooper shoo away several flies. "These flies sure are terrible," the trooper complained.

"Yep," the farmer said. "Them are circle flies." "What's a circle fly?" the trooper asked.

"Them flies that circle a horse's azz." answered the farmer.

"Circle flies, huh." "You wouldn't be calling me a horse's azz, would you?" the trooper angrily asked.

"Nope, I didn't," the farmer replied. "But you just can't fool them flies."
4 x
"A good climbing rope will last you 3 to 5 years. A bad climbing rope will last you a lifetime."

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Nesikep
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Re: Daily Joke

Postby Nesikep » Sun Sep 09, 2018 12:51 pm

A New York Attorney representing a wealthy art collector phoned and asked to
speak to his client, "Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news."

The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day, let me hear the good news first."

The Attorney said, "Well, I met with your wife today and she informed me that
she invested $5,000 in two pictures which she thinks will bring a minimum of
$15-20 million. I think she could be right."

Saul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman!
You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"

The Attorney replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary."
6 x
What can be asserted without evidence can be dismissed without evidence
-Christopher Hitchens

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bbirder
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Re: Daily Joke

Postby bbirder » Fri Sep 14, 2018 11:03 am

Wife Missing? Call The Sheriff!!!




Wife Missing?



Husband: My wife of 15 years is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!




Sheriff: Height?




Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.




Sheriff: Weight?




Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.




Sheriff: Color of eyes?




Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.




Sheriff: Color of hair?




Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember.




Sheriff: What was she wearing?




Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.




Sheriff: What kind of car did she go in?




Husband: She went in my truck.




Sheriff: What kind of truck was it ?




Husband: A 2016 Brilliant Diesel Grey Pearlcoat Ram Limited 4X4 with 6.4L Hemi V8 engine, ordered with the Ram Box bar and fridge option, LED lighting, backup and front camera, Moose hide leather heated and cooled seats, climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, Weather Tech floor mats. Trailing package with gold hitch, sunroof, DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio, Cobra 75 WX ST 40-channel CB radio, six cup holders, 3 USB port, and 4 power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Toyo tires. It has custom retracting running boards and under-glow wheel well lighting.




At this point the husband started choking up.




Sheriff: "Take it easy sir, we'll find your truck!!!"
2 x
"A good climbing rope will last you 3 to 5 years. A bad climbing rope will last you a lifetime."

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Nesikep
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Re: Daily Joke

Postby Nesikep » Sat Sep 22, 2018 4:03 pm

The Italian Funeral
A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he
noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the
nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse
about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a
solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short
distance back, were about 200 men walking in single file.

The Jewish man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully
approached the Italian man walking the dog and said... "I am so sorry
for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've
never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral, is it?"

"My wife's."

''What happened to her?"

"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

“My mother-in-law. She came to help my wife and the dog turned on her
and killed her also."

It was a very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian
brotherhood. Silence passed between the two men.

The Jewish man then asked... "Can I borrow the dog?"

The Italian man replied, "Get in line."
5 x
What can be asserted without evidence can be dismissed without evidence
-Christopher Hitchens

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snoopdog
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Re: Daily Joke

Postby snoopdog » Wed Sep 26, 2018 5:38 pm

Image
3 x
Being poor is the most expensive thing there is

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greybeard
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Re: Daily Joke

Postby greybeard » Wed Sep 26, 2018 7:53 pm

snoopdog wrote:Image

Been lots of times I had to pull my clothes off on the back steps landing before even entering the back door..
0 x
"For evil to flourish, all that is required is for good men to do nothing" Burke

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OwnedByTheCow
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Re: Daily Joke

Postby OwnedByTheCow » Thu Sep 27, 2018 12:31 pm

A farmer named Clyde had a tractor accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy hot shot lawyer, was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question, ...please. Did you, or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer behind the tractor and I was driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie".

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my John Deer Tractor right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?"

"Now tell me, what the heck would you say?"
5 x
Be decisive, wether right or wrong.
The road of life is paved with many flat squirrels who couldn't make a decision.

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sstterry
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Re: Daily Joke

Postby sstterry » Thu Sep 27, 2018 1:00 pm

A doctor and a lawyer got into a car accident, on a small country road. The lawyer had figured that nobody else would be on the road, and had raced through a stop sign. The doctor, on a cross street, had no time to react and couldn't have missed the lawyer if he had tried. Fortunately, neither driver was hurt.

The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from his battered car and offered him a drink from a hip flask.The doctor accepted, took a deep drink, and handed the flask back to the lawyer. The lawyer held the flask for a minute or two, and gave it to the doctor again. The doctor took another swig. He again returned the flask to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away.

"Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?" asked the doctor.

"Not now," answered the lawyer. "I'll have something after the police leave."
2 x


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